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Posts Tagged ‘self control’

Today has been a struggle. I woke up with a horrible feeling in my gut, having just dreamed a bad dream. Tonight I’m going to see my shrink for the first time of 2013. It always makes me feel bad beforehand, and sometimes it gives me such anxiety that I don’t actually make it there, but during our talks and afterwards it always feels good.

Knowing I’ve got therapy tonight was not enough though. I also had a nasty phonecall to make that I’ve been putting off for weeks now. This means for most part of today I’ve felt nauseous and trembling, plus a headache.

I’m just about to head down to therapy. Still scared shitless. I guess that’s why I’m writing this. But the most important thing I would like to tell you is that I’m happy, and really pleased with the day despite all it’s awfulness. Even though I’ve felt like crap since the moment I opened my eyes I’ve still done what I’ve had to do. I’ve followed my list to the letter, and even made that nasty phonecall. And that’s what I want to focus on, knowing that I did a good job today and I can be proud of myself.

Love and light

/Journeymaid

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Hi there! *waves happily*

Just wanted to pop by and say hello, and explain that no, I have not disappeared from this blog. I’m just extremely busy working on our new home. The actual house is standing by now, but we’ve still gots loads of stuff to build and fix. Basically me and hubby work hard all day on the house, and when we come home we’re so tired we just collapse. So you see, blogging has fallen down a peg on the priority list. But I’ll be back!

By the way, I’ve been thinking about something that I’d love to hear your thoughts on. About doing what is right and good for you, or not doing so.

My body seems to prefer so called paleo food. It tastes marvellous, it requires very little effort to prepare, it keeps me full for a much longer time than “regular” meals, plus it makes my tummy really happy.

Going no-poo (=no shampoo!) makes my hair softer, easier to brush and less split-endy. Preparing no-poo alternatives requires minimal effort.

My body likes to be physically active. Not working out makes me fluffy in no time, I gain weight extremely easily.

Why then, have I stopped eating paleo, gone back to using shampoo, and skipped working out for months and months? Seriously, what’s wrong me? I know what makes me happy and healthy, yet as soon as I get a tighter schedule I just stop it. Within a few days I’ve “forgotten” what I should be eating/doing and then it’s very easy to just keep going… *sigh*

Anyone else experiencing the same thing? Is this all about being lazy, or is it a passive expression of self-destructiveness? Any advice on how to think/act to improve?

Hugs!

/Journeymaid

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I sit down in my bed, trying to quiet the mind after a long day. I open my mind towards the Mother and the Father. On an impulse I also greet the Little Sister, the Moon. And, to my own surprise, Frey also comes to mind.

I greet them but realize that my mind is too cluttered with images and thoughts, I can’t put a sentence together. Neither would I know what to say. I try to relax and clear my mind.

All of the sudden, I get somewhat of an insight. I look down on my pale and flabby body, and feel something different than the usual disgust. I suddenly realize that I must stop being afraid of my body. I must not shy away, but accept it. And use it.

I feel something I have never felt before. I feel myself, the real me, residing within this body. It sounds like such a cliché, but I finally understand that the body really is my temple. It is the home in which my spirit lives.

I look down on my body, my temple. For once I look and see beyond the aesthetic, beyond what’s “sexy” or “pretty”. I see the truth.

I have abused this body. By not using it as it is meant to be used it has grown weak. I eat more than I need and thus I gain more and more fat. My food addiction has made sure of that. I look at my legs and see ugly scabs, that I just can’t seem to stop picking open. I feel a slight itch in my scalp, where I’ve also been scratching open the same little scabs over and over again. I look at my fingertips, where I’ve not only bitten down every nail as far as possible, I’ve also chewed around the nails, leaving tiny wounds and irritated skin.

This body is the home of my spirit, and I really should be taking care of it. How can I expect my spirit to thrive when it’s stuck in a wrecked home? How can I expect to get pregnant, to start new life within my womb, when I haven’t even been taking care of myself?

Even now as I write this, I find it difficult to express what I feel. It all sounds so obvious, but these feelings inside of me are far from it. Suddenly feeling myself residing within… my physical body… it’s strange.

I grab the bottle of lavender oil that sits beside my bed, and start to carefully rub some of it into my skin. I need to heal this body. I need to listen carefully what it needs, and never forget how important it really is. It’s not just a piece of flesh, it’s my home.

Now, I will put down the laptop and once again settle down into meditation before I go to sleep. I just needed to write this down. I can not allow myself to forget what I just realized, must read tomorrow what I wrote tonight and remember.

Love and light to you all

/Journeymaid

 

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I am a chronic multitasker.

This I have realized as I’ve begun to work on being mindful and aware of there here and now. Multitasking to me comes as natural as breathing. I used to think this was a good thing, but now I realize that I’ve been living in an illusion.

What does it really mean to multitask?

A simple answer would be “two do several things at the same time, such as watching tv and knitting simultaneously”.

And isn’t that practical? On the surface, yes. But what it’s really all about is splitting your attention. Or perhaps even splitting your self.

Multitasking isn’t just about doing stuff simultaneously. I’ve finally realized, by close observation of myself, that I usually walk around with my mind detached from reality.

You know the type, I’m sure. Walking around with her head in the clouds, forgetful yet creative, always coming up with ideas and always in the middle of some fantasy… Yeah, that’s me. And to be honest, until recently I wanted it to stay like that.

But what I’ve come to realize is that by (almost) never being aware and present in the here and now, I’ve missed experiencing reality. Now, I am trying to change that.

Even considering spirituality, this has opened new doors for me and I’m finally learning to understand. Before, I thought that paying to close attention to the physical world around us was detrimental to spirituality, thinking that one would sort of close off the mind from meta-physical experiences by focusing on the mundane.

But now I understand but it’s actually the other way around. By being locked in thoughts and fantasies and not really being aware of reality, you’ll most likely miss most of the meta-physical messages/experiences. Why? Because the spiritual, the meta-physical, is a part of reality while your fantasies are not.

It’s just like the weirdo powerful spirit presence told me when I was a kid: “You can do anything, if you learn to be completely aware at all times.”

Back then I was just a kid and didn’t understand what that truly meant, I didn’t wanna give up my constant stream of fantasies, so I decided not to even try this awareness thing.

But it’s not like this awareness thing is about experiencing the supernatural, no. That’s just a cool side effect. =) And yes, since I’ve started working on being mindful (which is surprisingly hard!) I’ve had a dramatic increase in meta-physical encounters (each one may seem small and insignificant, but none the less awsome). Which is why I am writing this, totally amazed by the whole thing.

Yet, I gotta say being aware/mindful is hard work. Especially when one has spent years and years multitasking. I think the simplest way is to focus on a single task. Like right now, I am writing this text. I am aware of how my fingers move across the laptop and the only thing happening in my mind is that inner voice reading out what I am about to write down, a millisecond or so before. I try to also be aware of my breathing, how I am sitting, how the room looks around me etc etc, but I gotta say I’m not really there yet. For you see, as soon as I notice my breathing I drop the focus and temporarily forget to be mindful of the writing.

It’s hard. But I am learning. And I try not to expect too much, but to start slow. So right now, it’s ok to only be aware of one thing at a time. But then I gotta stay with it, and not get distracted by the multitude of thoughts just waiting to ambush me. Stay with it. And if I wanna change focus, then go ahead. But be aware of the change, be mindful of what’s going on.

I would have thought it easy to focus on only one thing at a time. Oh, how wrong I was!

 

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Addiction

I’m sorry I haven’t posted for a while now, but I’ve been struggling. Tomorrow I have a doctor’s appointment, and then we’ll see if I’m back to work on monday or how it’ll be.

On the bright side, hubby and I are finally getting help from the fertility clinic, and the first tests all look good so hopefully we’ll eventually get pregnant. =)

I also took a pretty big step forward last week, as I finally confronted my weight issue and relationship to food. I am overweight. Not obese, nothing extreme, thank the gods… But I have put on 20 kg over 2 years. It’s all very connected to the depression in a negative spiral; I gain weight when I feel bad and gaining weight makes me feel even worse, thus gaining more weight…

What I’ve come to realize is that I am addicted. First, I thought it was “just” a sugar addiction, but it’s really more than that. Learning to accept this has been tough, and it’s made me feel even more like a failure, but I think it’s for the best. I need to break the circle.

Some may question if it’s even possible to have a food addiction. I did, too. But seriously, if this isn’t addiction then I don’t know what is. This weekend it all became clear, I realized that I had lost all control.

When it comes to sweets or snacks, I can not eat just a little. It’s like something fires up within my brain and I completely lose it, stuffing myself until there is no more.

But that’s not really the worst part of it. The real problem comes afterwards. For you see, though I feel really bad after eating sweets or snacks, I will get extreme cravings for more after a couple of hours. Until the crap is out of my system there is no trusting me, I will do more or less anything to get more. And if there are no sweets or snacks nearby, I will overeat on just about anything.

At times I have tried to puke after such a binge, but I’ve never managed to get anything to come up again despite sticking my fingers down my throat (gag reflex, where are you?).

As long as I haven’t eaten any sweets or snacks for a couple of days I am allright, I have control. But then, when I think it’s ok again, I tell myself that of course I can just have one piece of chocolate or just one piece of cake. And then the nightmare starts over.

When those cravings start again I will beg, lie and steal (“borrowing” from the household cash stash) in order to buy more sweets and snacks.

Since I confronted this side of me, I have had had full blown war within my mind. The addictions tells me to eat, anything and everything. It tells me I will never manage to stop eating so there is no use in even trying. It tells me I will feel so much better if I just eat some chocolate. It tells me no one has to know.

It also gets raving mad when I break the silence and tell my husband what I’m really thinking. It tries to take control over my body, trying to force my mouth shut. With extreme effort I whispered to my husband to please take my wallet, or otherwise I wont be able to stop myself. The addiction went completely mental within my head as I said that, cursing at me for ruining the possibility of sneaking off to buy chocolate when hubby left for work.

It’s all out war within me. It’s scary. And it’s very, very real.

I’ve been “clean” all week. No overeating, no sweets, no snacks. I’ve been excercising, jogging in the beautiful spring weather. And In one week, I’ve lost 2 kg. I am so very happy to have started to battle my food addicion, but it is very clear that I’m far from being free. Yesterday my kind friends invited me over for cupcakes. I immediately said yes, of course I’ll come over! As soon as I hung up the phone I collapsed in tears. The voice of the addiction was so very strong, it told me to get over there and eat, eat lots and lots and I will feel great! When I said NO the voice changed, trying to instead tell me that I am strong, I can go over there and just eat ONE cupcake, and that would be ok, right? Not so many calories, it wouldn’t mess me upp! I cried and told myself NO, it’s all a lie, I can’t eat just ONE and then stop, and even if I could then it would kick off the cravings and a couple of hours later I would be lost again.

Finally, I texted my friends and said that I couldn’t come over after all. I feel really bad about the whole thing.

Right now, I don’t know if I will ever be free from this addiction. Several times I’ve thought myself in the clear, having eaten well for many weeks and everything… but then I always fall into that same trap, eating “just one”. And it all starts over.

Alcoholics aren’t expected to be able to drink just a little, and then be fine. I have realized that I must treat this as the same kind of addiction, and stop eating sweets and snacks alltogether. I have realized it, but not accepted it. I love cake, icecream, chocolate, potato chips, hamburgers and whatnot. The thought of giving it up for real makes me cry, for real. I tell myself, can’t I just decide to only get treats like that on the big holidays, and on birthdays? But that’s what I’ve tried so far, and it’s never worked, because after each instance of such eating I get thrown back to square one and have to start over.

I don’t know, it’s all so complicated and I feel like crap. But then again, who said it’s easy to break free of addiction? I’m sad and scared, yes. But also happy that I’ve started the process of becoming healthy. And I’m glad I’ve lost 2 kg in a week. =) And hopefully, eating healthily and loosing a bit of weight may even help me get pregnant.

Love and light

Journeymaid

 

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During last night’s meditation I posed a question.

It started with a feeling. A need for guidance. A wish for stability. I am constantly learning, yes. But it’s all very unstructured, it’s a-little-bit-here and a-little-bit-there.

Some covens/pagan groups have a direct hierarchy that includes teachers, who in an organized fashion teach newcomers. This is something that I instinctively turn against, mainly because I often that those “teachers” may in fact be no more skilled than the pupils, and often just want to have a following of loyal subjects. (Of course I don’t think that it’s always like that, there are definitely a lot of good teachers out there as well!)

But there is great advantage of having a teacher who can tell you what to do. I am not talking about listening to lectures about spirituality, the world and how to do stuff (because all that you can learn on your own, either by reading and talking to others or by your own experiences). No, I am talking about discipline.

I often wish I had a mentor who could give me tasks.

“For a whole year, meditate daily and keep a detailed journal of any thoughts/impressions that appear during those sessions.”

“Keep a detailed dream journal. No cheating, write down EVERYTHING.”

“For a whole calendar year, spend a little time each day outside contemplating nature and the natural cycles of time.”

“Each Sunday, use the runes to foretell what you will face in the coming week. Write everything down. Look back on the week that just passed, contemplate how last week’s divination may or may not have been accurate.”

 

You get the point, right? So last night during the meditation I put it out there, and asked the Mother to find me a spiritual mentor. Not a physical, living person but someone from the spiritual realm.

An immediate response flooded my insides. Not sure how much came from the Mother and how much came from myself, but the message is equally true.

You don’t need such a mentor. You know what to do.

And yes, of course I know what to do. Just look at the list I just did! All of those tasks would be great, and would probably greatly benefit my inner development. No, what I lack is self discipline. I come up with so many things to do, but I never manage to keep at it. I just find something new to try.

And in that conversation with the Mother, I felt a bit like a spoiled child. I almost felt embarrassed asking for a spiritual guide to tell me what to do, cuz I don’t have enough self discipline to do it myself. And all I got for a reply was silence, which only increased my embarrassment.

Aaaha. I think I got the message. I have the knowledge to put myself to work, spiritually. I have the potential to develop a whole lot. I just need to learn self discipline. And really, that’s a major thing in my life, so many aspects of my life would be greatly improved if I could just learn self discipline.

So I am not supposed to have a mentor to crack the whip, that would be counter productive. I have to grab the whip myself. No excuses.

 

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I feel like I should say a few words about how things are going, but I don’t really have much to say tonight.

My husband returned from his travels a few days ago, yay! You have no idea how well I’ve been able to sleep at night now that he’s back… truly glorious sleep…

Each night right before bed I continue to work on the awareness excercise, calmly noticing whatever floats through my mind without getting too attached. I think I am getting better at it.

Last night I also prayed a little to Mother and Father and lit their candles. I found myself drawn to Father’s flame, which doesn’t happen often. But last night his flame danced a wild dance (twhich I found no physical reason for, there was no draft and Mother’s candle right next to it was all still) and seemed to wanna tell me something. I tried to listen but I can’t say I got any specific messages. That’s ok, I feel like the most important part of it was feeling a connection to Him, knowing he was reaching out for me. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. =)

By the way, my work situation has improved somewhat now that I have moved to the other office. It’s so much lighter, it’s got better air quality and less energy-sucking people! (Only one energy sucker present, I notice the energy in the room getting brighter immediately as she goes home…) I do however still feel pretty awful, the depression seems to have gotten a hold of me again I’m afraid. Got a doctor’s appointment next week. We’ll see how that turns out…

Somehow, all will be ok.

And by the way, it’s my birthday tomorrow. Happy birthday to me!

*gives myself a long and warm hug*

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