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Posts Tagged ‘physicality’

One week to go before I venture into my 7 day fast. This week I will cut down on the food intake, try to keep it at around half of what I normally eat, to hopefully lessen the physical shock of suddenly not eating at all.

For yes, I strive for complete fasting, only drinking water and tea. And don’t worry, should I find that true hunger sets in and I really do need food I’ll of course break the fast early. It’s fasting, not starvation, after all. I’ll also be writing here daily to keep a record of the progress.

Still curious if anyone would like to join me for the experience! I would welcome a fasting buddy. x)

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Today, when I woke up, I finally realized. I realized it even before I was entirely out of sleep, I was still only half conscious, but it was as clear as day.

When I fell away from my path, my mind ventured into the darkness of depression, I didn’t just lose touch with my Self – my inner me. I lost touch with the outer me, the physical me too. The connection between the inner me and the outer me broke.

The consequences of this wounded connection has been obvious, I just never understood the reason behind it before. I remember so clearly the first symptom, it took me by surprise.

I started clenching and grinding my teeth in my sleep. Never did that before. But suddenly I would wake up with jaws sore from the strain.

I lost hair. I’ve always had thick, healthy hair, suddenly it was growing thinner.

I stopped remembering my dreams. The dreams, that always had been so immensely important to me.

I suddenly lost all the joy of moving, exercising and being physically active. It seemed so strangely pointless.

I lost all control of my eating.

My menstruation has fucked up, the cycle going completely topsy turvy, and after five years I still have not managed to get pregnant despite there being both eggs and healthy sperm in place.

I found myself absentmindedly biting my lips until they bled, or scratching my scalp until the skin broke.

I lost touch with my sexuality. Physical experiences suddenly gave me, well almost nothing. Only mental stimulation could turn me on, it was as if the physical just didn’t affect me as before. Orgasms became rare.

I found myself physically tense. I marvelled over this just recently in a blog post if you remember, I talked about how strangely my muscles turn tense as soon as I do not actively focus on relaxing that part of my body. It takes only seconds, as soon as I am no longer focusing on relaxing a muscle it immediately turns tense again.

When I was still half asleep this morning, truth dawned on me. The connection between the two sides of me, the physical and the non-physical, is wounded.

As I lay there in bed I tried to start the process of reclaiming my body. Took control of the left big to, felt myself aware in it, told myself that I am there, in that toe. Next toe. Next toe. The rest of the foot, the ankle.

While I slowly, slowly reclaimed my left foot and leg I became aware of the rest of my body straining, ridiculously tense. So I went on. Slowly worked to reclaim the other foot too. Calves. Knees. Thighs. Buttox. Here it started getting trickier. Not as easy keeping control of my feet when my awareness was raisin higher up through my body, my feet wanted to grow tense again as soon as I “left” them.

Slowly, slowly I struggled to go through body part after body part, consciously trying to reclaim my own body. It was hard. This is not a wound I can mend by a quick fix of positive thinking. I need to regrow the connection between body and mind, mend myself.

As I lay there, it dawned on me that my husband had woken up next to me. Still silent but awake, he gently nudged me with a toe. I turned towards him and we kissed. As clear as day could I see, feel, what I had missed. Without having been connected to my own body, I could not appreciate his body either, I could not enjoy his touch. That lack of sexual enjoyment the last few years suddenly made sense.

We kissed slowly, I took my time to taste and enjoy his lips and his tongue, like I used to. The sensation was stunning. He touched me, and I could feel his touch again. I touched him and I felt him, he was really there. 

Still, the wound was not so easily mended. We kissed, we touched, I tasted him, he tasted me, we enjoyed each other. I enjoyed it, experienced it more than I have for several years, but still not quite there yet. I could still feel myself strangely absent from my own body. Feeling the touch but not… quite feeling it. Just like my feet would turn tense as soon as my awareness turned to another body part, the slightest distraction could make me lose touch.

Even though I am not quite there yet, it was intense. I finally saw what I have been missing, with body and mind disconnected. I haven’t been whole. I still am not.

Yes, I am wounded. But I can heal, I must heal. I can not live a half person, a fractured scrap of an individual. Body and mind must become one.

But now I can work on it. I will reclaim my body. I must.

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Hi there! *waves happily*

Just wanted to pop by and say hello, and explain that no, I have not disappeared from this blog. I’m just extremely busy working on our new home. The actual house is standing by now, but we’ve still gots loads of stuff to build and fix. Basically me and hubby work hard all day on the house, and when we come home we’re so tired we just collapse. So you see, blogging has fallen down a peg on the priority list. But I’ll be back!

By the way, I’ve been thinking about something that I’d love to hear your thoughts on. About doing what is right and good for you, or not doing so.

My body seems to prefer so called paleo food. It tastes marvellous, it requires very little effort to prepare, it keeps me full for a much longer time than “regular” meals, plus it makes my tummy really happy.

Going no-poo (=no shampoo!) makes my hair softer, easier to brush and less split-endy. Preparing no-poo alternatives requires minimal effort.

My body likes to be physically active. Not working out makes me fluffy in no time, I gain weight extremely easily.

Why then, have I stopped eating paleo, gone back to using shampoo, and skipped working out for months and months? Seriously, what’s wrong me? I know what makes me happy and healthy, yet as soon as I get a tighter schedule I just stop it. Within a few days I’ve “forgotten” what I should be eating/doing and then it’s very easy to just keep going… *sigh*

Anyone else experiencing the same thing? Is this all about being lazy, or is it a passive expression of self-destructiveness? Any advice on how to think/act to improve?

Hugs!

/Journeymaid

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With bare feet

I go for a walk. It’s a beautiful and warm evening.

I go for a walk. Barefoot.

I go for a walk. Into the forest. Barefoot.

I enjoy the sensation of ground beneath my feet. It feels clean and so very real.

I should go barefoot more often.

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Hey there, I’m back home again after a couple of hours of hard work, and I thought I should tell you a little bit more about that strange event last night.

First of all, let me say this: I’m pretty sure this was a so-called “supernatural” event. Not that it isn’t natural… I just mean I really can’t find a physical reason for those dark drops to have ended up on me. I was inside in a perfectly dry room. No open windows, no condensation above. I was sitting perfectly still and couldn’t have knocked something over or anything, and I was alone in the room (my Husband was on the second floor) so there was no-one there who could have been teasing. The drops literally came out of nowhere.

 

Ok, making the assumption that the whole thing was somehow spiritually connected, there are now a number of questions floating in my mind. My gut reaction right after it happened was to sit down an meditate, and see if anything came up. Using the runes to ask for answers also felt like a good idea.

 

So I sat down and went into meditation, trying to reach both Mother and Father. And also Freya, since she’s come to me recently with some insights. With closed eyes I fingered my bag of runes, and started to ask questions.

Those dark drops… what were they? 

I drew three runes: Ansuz – Wunjo – Thurisaz

The first rune confirms the spiritual nature of the whole event, signalling that they originated in the spiritual or divine realm, and that they might even have been a message. Wunjo points at joy and positive energy, or even love. Thurisaz is connected with male energy, a violent reaction, destruction or change. And of course, the mystical being called the thurs. All together, Ansuz-Wunjo-Thurisaz, the message seems to be rather potent. I’m still reluctant to write up a summary just yet, so hold on.

Next question. From whom?  

Laguz

Laguz, how appropriate. Basically, it means water. However, just as water in itself is rich in symbolic value, laguz has too. I realize that I formulated my question badly, not being clear on if I meant “who is talking to me now?” or “who sent me the dark drops?” So I asked again, wanting to clear it up.

Who is sending me this information now? Who am I talking to?

Ansuz – Týr

I can’t help smiling. Týr literally means “god”, though it most often refers to the god Týr. As I spontaneously felt for Týr, wondering if it really was him, I got a nice little surprise. A nice tug of recognition, and I realized that Týr is Father. I felt embraced in warm and comforting light. And with the combination ansuz-tyr I felt pretty happy.

So the Laguz I got earlier, am I right to assume that it referred to the origin of the drops, where they came from?

Dagaz

I can only interpret that as a yes, that’s right. (Dagaz representing dawn, insights and breakthroughs)

 

If the drops were a message, what did they mean? 

Algiz

Protection? Algiz is also often described as representing the actual link between humans and divine beings, as such also being connected to spiritual awakening and a higher life.

 

There is one more thing to consider before making any assumptions as to the point of the whole thing. What was I doing when it happened? What was I thinking at the moment?

As I said in this morning’s blog post, the drops appeared as I was reading a website about religion, destiny and messengers in the (absolutely amazing) sci-fi series Battlestar Galactica (seriously, it’s an incredible series and everyone should see it!!!). I was pondering the nature of oracles and occult practices. And just before the first drop appeared I asked myself if it was time for me to offer runic divinations to other people. So far I’ve only done it for myself and my mom, since I haven’t felt competent enough to go public, so to say. But maybe it is time?

Five seconds later the first drop ran down over the computer screen, and a couple of seconds later more drops splashed down on my right leg.

I can’t help thinking the dark drops were a reaction to that which I was thinking and asking myself. Combine that with the indications given by the runes, I’d say it’s pretty certain. Where did the drops come from? Or perhaps the question should have been WHERE did they come from? Laguz, the astral plane. Laguz, spiritual powers. Laguz, the unconscious mind. Laguz, the hidden.

It almost feels as if the dark drops where physical manifestation of that which is Laguz. A little part of the hidden powers dripping into our physical world.

What was that? Ansuz-Wunjo-Thurisaz. A divine message, of joy and great change. Happy thurs. The positive side of the dangerous force that is thurs?

What was the message, what did it all mean? My gut feeling is that there is no great message, but more of a confirmation that a link is established between me and the astral. Algiz, the link between humans and divine beings.

As such, I think I have my answer. I asked if I was ready to serve and use whatever skill I have in divination, to help others communicate with the divine. I think the answer is yes.

 

That is my gut feeling about all of this weirdness. Does it sound plausible or am I reading way too much into this? Do you have any other interpretations? I am in no way certain of it all, I’m just trying to make sense of a totally weird experience which even threw my scientist and non-believer of a husband (he seemed almost worried, and joked that we were being haunted, but his voice actually sounded kinda serious.)

And if anyone of you want to be my first guinea-pig for runic divination,  raise your hand or shout out loud or send me smoke signals or something. I think it’s time I start doing this.

Love and light

/Journeymaid

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Last night’s meditation was short and sweet, solidifying the message I’d gotten 24 hours earlier. The body is a sacred tool and must not be underestimated.

Within my own mind, I started asking questions. Who is feeding me this information? Is it me, my subconscious, coming up with this? Or is there someone with me, guiding my thoughts? 

It’s probably my subconscious, I thought. This is probably me just having a conversation with myself.

For a moment I am visited by a memory. Of me looking over my shoulder and seeing the “Bird Woman”, described in this earlier blog post.


My immediate reaction: Well, now my mind is probably just making things up, looking desperately for an explanation. Because these thoughts of the body as a sacred tool is just my own idea, right?

My mind fills up with another image. A beautiful belly dancer, as seen on tv, dancing seductively. She’s looking at me, smiling, and wiggling her hips. Then the image flashes back to the bird woman. Then back to the young belly dancer. She keeps looking at me, always smiling. Melanie , I think. She is like Melanie. Melanie is a character in a book I’m reading, a beautiful and resourceful young woman who doesn’t mind using her sex appeal to get what she wants, though when the shit really hits the fan she can access abilities beyond what’s human. Flash, back to the belly dancer. Then back to the bird woman.

And then finally it hits me. It’s Freya. As soon as I think her name, I can feel her. Before, when she came to me as the old bird woman, I didn’t make the connection. Didn’t understand it was her, though I know she can take the shape of a bird. The beautiful dancer keeps smiling at me within my mind, and I feel a tingle of joy and appreciation coming from her.

I hadn’t thought of it before, but as soon as I felt her vibe I knew it made perfect sense. Freya’s connection to sex and erotic desires is well known, and I’m sure you’re also aware of her relation to warriors and battle. I have always thought this is a strange combination, sounding almost like a stereotypical male fantasy combining hot chicks with destructive weapons. But now I see, the connection lies in the body. In the powerful combination of mind and body.

The message came within a golden burst of joy and pleasure. I just smiled, feeling like my heart was swelling. This truly was Freya, and her energy was pure golden joy, Suddenly I remembered the little song I made up on Valentines day. Still smiling, I slumped down on the bed, drawing the blanket up around me and snuggled up by my darling Husband. Within my mind I sang the song to Freya, over and over again. I wished I could sing it out loud, but I didn’t wanna wake up my love. So it stayed within my mind, but singing it still felt glorious.

Freja du sköna, 

dansa vid min sida.

Sjung mig kärlek, sjung mig kärlek.

(Beautiful Freja, dance by my side. Sing me love, sing me love.)

 

edit:

Oh, one more thing I forgot to mention. As I realized the energy I was feeling belonged to Freya, for a brief second I wondered if there is any truth to the theories that all female goddesses in fact are aspects of one and the same goddess?  I sent out the question towards Freya: Are you an aspect of Mother? I got a very clear answer: I don’t want to talk about it. Huh. The feeling that enveloped that answer was bordering on irritation, yet it felt more as if she just ignored that question and moved on. I caught the drift and didn’t ask again. Perhaps I’ll raise the question some other time?

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I sit down in my bed, trying to quiet the mind after a long day. I open my mind towards the Mother and the Father. On an impulse I also greet the Little Sister, the Moon. And, to my own surprise, Frey also comes to mind.

I greet them but realize that my mind is too cluttered with images and thoughts, I can’t put a sentence together. Neither would I know what to say. I try to relax and clear my mind.

All of the sudden, I get somewhat of an insight. I look down on my pale and flabby body, and feel something different than the usual disgust. I suddenly realize that I must stop being afraid of my body. I must not shy away, but accept it. And use it.

I feel something I have never felt before. I feel myself, the real me, residing within this body. It sounds like such a cliché, but I finally understand that the body really is my temple. It is the home in which my spirit lives.

I look down on my body, my temple. For once I look and see beyond the aesthetic, beyond what’s “sexy” or “pretty”. I see the truth.

I have abused this body. By not using it as it is meant to be used it has grown weak. I eat more than I need and thus I gain more and more fat. My food addiction has made sure of that. I look at my legs and see ugly scabs, that I just can’t seem to stop picking open. I feel a slight itch in my scalp, where I’ve also been scratching open the same little scabs over and over again. I look at my fingertips, where I’ve not only bitten down every nail as far as possible, I’ve also chewed around the nails, leaving tiny wounds and irritated skin.

This body is the home of my spirit, and I really should be taking care of it. How can I expect my spirit to thrive when it’s stuck in a wrecked home? How can I expect to get pregnant, to start new life within my womb, when I haven’t even been taking care of myself?

Even now as I write this, I find it difficult to express what I feel. It all sounds so obvious, but these feelings inside of me are far from it. Suddenly feeling myself residing within… my physical body… it’s strange.

I grab the bottle of lavender oil that sits beside my bed, and start to carefully rub some of it into my skin. I need to heal this body. I need to listen carefully what it needs, and never forget how important it really is. It’s not just a piece of flesh, it’s my home.

Now, I will put down the laptop and once again settle down into meditation before I go to sleep. I just needed to write this down. I can not allow myself to forget what I just realized, must read tomorrow what I wrote tonight and remember.

Love and light to you all

/Journeymaid

 

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