Posts Tagged ‘mindfulness’


It has been ages since I wrote something here. While some things have been great since you last heard from me, a lot of things have been… not so good. I’ve been struggling, I’ve fallen and I’ve reached low points I don’t event want to think about.

I meditated for the first time in forever the other night. I tried to do as I have always done in the past, mentally going through each body part, telling it to relax. Usually it has meant a slow mental check of my body, go through piece by piece, feeling it, being aware of it, and then letting it drop away from attention and pleasantly fade away as I move on. This time, after so long, I struggled to even get through my left little toe.

Not kidding. I sat forever just trying to go through and release even the first little part of me.

Life has been hard. Somehow it does feel like I have turned a new leaf and I hope that I am starting to get back to who I was, who I am. Perhaps this, writing here, is a sign of that. I haven’t really allowed myself to be spiritual all this time. Haven’t wanted to feel or think. Haven’t wanted to be me.

I am trying. Trying to find myself again. Trying to get stronger again.

And now I am going to sit down and try again to meditate. And pray to come further than just the left little toe.

If you read this, and have even the slightest little sliver of positive energy to send me, please do. And thank you for reading.

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I wonder… does this happen just to me or is it a common thing? Does anyone know why or how it happens?

Ok, let’s back up. Here’s what I’ve noticed:

When I practice mindfulness my body temperature seems to rise. Or at least, I feel as though I am getting hotter. After a couple of minutes I am sweating, though I am not physically active.

At first,I wondered if I was tensing up somehow and that was what caused the heat. But no, it happens even if I’m making sure my muscles are relaxed. Plus it doesn’t matter if I’m standing up, walking or sitting down. Since I am not yet accustomed to being this focused, I do feel like I am working my brain… like what I have always felt when deep in studies or academic pursuits, trying to firgure something out… only now I am focusing on mundane everyday tasks and attempting to hold all my attention at what I’m doing. 

The difference is, when working on problem solving or studying I never get this hot. Strange…

Btw, I should mention that such questions that arise are not something I give any energy while actually in the moment, so to say. It’s the same with my previous notes on the weird-visions-stuff I’ve been getting, it’s not something I think about while in the “zone” of mindfulness. No of course, while experiencing I just experience and observe. If I get curious I leave any questions or thoughts for later. =)


Other than that, I’ve had a couple of rough days mentally and physically. The day before yesterday I made a diet mistake (eating yummy but oh so fatty bacon pancakes) for which I paid dearly the night after as well as yesterday. At least my body seems to have become accustomed to healthy food, I just gotta remember not to upset the system with nasty stuff. Hopefully I’ll start working again next week, starting with just a couple of hours each day and then increasing week after week. 

Getting back to work is crazy scary and I tend to get all panicky from the thought. But still, not getting back to work is even MORE scary and since I don’t want to mess up our house-building-and-bank loan-plans I know that I gotta make it work. Yup, it’s make-it-work time.

I probably shouldn’t mention the pregnancy thingy. I should really stop thinking about it so much. But how the hell can I not think about it?! Within a week we should know if the insemination was successful or not. I might be pregnant right now. Or I might not be. Anyhow, I am getting super frustrated at my dear friends, who already are pregnant, and therefore seem to think they know everything. They think they know how I feel, they think they know how I think and what I should do, and they get this compassionate look in their eyes, feeling sorry for me yet being super pleased with their own situation. I love my friends, don’t get me wrong, and I know they only mean well. But if I get one more “try not to think about it, you’ll get pregnant eventually” I think I’ll scream. And please, please don’t tell me I should work on my mental health first, before worrying about getting pregnant, when a major part of my depression is due to not getting pregnant. For crying out loud, both my doctor AND my shrink says I should probably be ok as soon as I manage to get pregnant. So no, I will not wait with the pregnancy thing until I’ve gotten rid of the depression, cuz then I’ll be waiting forever. 

*and breathe…*

Love and light!


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I am a chronic multitasker.

This I have realized as I’ve begun to work on being mindful and aware of there here and now. Multitasking to me comes as natural as breathing. I used to think this was a good thing, but now I realize that I’ve been living in an illusion.

What does it really mean to multitask?

A simple answer would be “two do several things at the same time, such as watching tv and knitting simultaneously”.

And isn’t that practical? On the surface, yes. But what it’s really all about is splitting your attention. Or perhaps even splitting your self.

Multitasking isn’t just about doing stuff simultaneously. I’ve finally realized, by close observation of myself, that I usually walk around with my mind detached from reality.

You know the type, I’m sure. Walking around with her head in the clouds, forgetful yet creative, always coming up with ideas and always in the middle of some fantasy… Yeah, that’s me. And to be honest, until recently I wanted it to stay like that.

But what I’ve come to realize is that by (almost) never being aware and present in the here and now, I’ve missed experiencing reality. Now, I am trying to change that.

Even considering spirituality, this has opened new doors for me and I’m finally learning to understand. Before, I thought that paying to close attention to the physical world around us was detrimental to spirituality, thinking that one would sort of close off the mind from meta-physical experiences by focusing on the mundane.

But now I understand but it’s actually the other way around. By being locked in thoughts and fantasies and not really being aware of reality, you’ll most likely miss most of the meta-physical messages/experiences. Why? Because the spiritual, the meta-physical, is a part of reality while your fantasies are not.

It’s just like the weirdo powerful spirit presence told me when I was a kid: “You can do anything, if you learn to be completely aware at all times.”

Back then I was just a kid and didn’t understand what that truly meant, I didn’t wanna give up my constant stream of fantasies, so I decided not to even try this awareness thing.

But it’s not like this awareness thing is about experiencing the supernatural, no. That’s just a cool side effect. =) And yes, since I’ve started working on being mindful (which is surprisingly hard!) I’ve had a dramatic increase in meta-physical encounters (each one may seem small and insignificant, but none the less awsome). Which is why I am writing this, totally amazed by the whole thing.

Yet, I gotta say being aware/mindful is hard work. Especially when one has spent years and years multitasking. I think the simplest way is to focus on a single task. Like right now, I am writing this text. I am aware of how my fingers move across the laptop and the only thing happening in my mind is that inner voice reading out what I am about to write down, a millisecond or so before. I try to also be aware of my breathing, how I am sitting, how the room looks around me etc etc, but I gotta say I’m not really there yet. For you see, as soon as I notice my breathing I drop the focus and temporarily forget to be mindful of the writing.

It’s hard. But I am learning. And I try not to expect too much, but to start slow. So right now, it’s ok to only be aware of one thing at a time. But then I gotta stay with it, and not get distracted by the multitude of thoughts just waiting to ambush me. Stay with it. And if I wanna change focus, then go ahead. But be aware of the change, be mindful of what’s going on.

I would have thought it easy to focus on only one thing at a time. Oh, how wrong I was!


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As most of you know, I’ve been struggling with depression (as so many in the pagan/heathen/polytheistic world, interestingly!). For the last couple of days I’ve focused a whole lot on mindfulness, with pretty good result. I am working on my focus, noticing both myself and the surrounding world. Especially, this means trying to do one thing at a time.

Whoa. Tough one.

I’m a natural multitasker. Even now, this very moment, I can’t really choose between watching tv and writing this blog post, so I’m doing both. Sigh.

Aaaanyhow, except for this very moment I’ve been trying to focus on one thing at a time, practicing my focus and attention. Noticing each breath, noticing the sunlight on my face, noticing the smell of fresh air…

I’ve also been doing a lot of housework. Since many years back I’ve had huge problems with cleaning, tidying up, doing the dishes and stuff. It’s along story, but yeah I’ve been almost phobic and absolutely terrified of it. But now I find things different. I’ve been able to do housework just for the sake of doing it. Slowly, one small piece at a time, being completely focused on each movement, I’ve been able to do housework without getting the usual anxiety attacks. As a matter of fact, it has actually made me feel better and more at ease. It’s almost a form of meditation, though I find it hard to explain why and how…

So our home is now unusually clean, and I am unusually calm. Outside the weather is warm and sunny. And tonight is the New Moon, yay!

Btw, these past few days have seen another development as well. While meditating, and also in the small space between sleep and waking, I’ve been seeing things. Faces. Sometimes just parts of faces, like an eye or a mouth. Short glimpses, following one after the other, so much clearer and more vivid than what I usually see internally.

Most striking was when I looked at my hubby’s sleeping face one night. It was dark, , yet on top of his shadowy features  I saw images emerging clear as day. Faces, moving and smiling, with muted color, projected onto my husband’s sleeping body.

It was all so curious that I just lay there, watching the faces and wondering what it all meant. I may or may not have been fully awake, it doesn’t really matter. Since then similar images have appeared several times, and I’m wondering if it may be a positive side effect of my recent mindfulness training. Or what do you think?

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