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Posts Tagged ‘meditation’

It was long overdue, the candle and offering I promised to Ochún. Finally I got to it, last night at the woodland shrine. I brought fresh water, sweet  dried apricots, a gorgeous golden peacock feather ornament, and a bright yellow candle. I was looking all over town for honey caramels, but found none. Next time.

All afternoon I had the rhythms of Ochún playing in my mind. I remembered the dance steps, my hips moved, my feet moved, my arms and hands moved.

Once I was there, at the shrine, and brought my offering to Her, it was beautiful but strangely silent. I felt humbled. I felt almost ashamed. Realization struck, why I have never entirely connected to Her. Why She always felt distant. I never felt myself good enough, beautiful enough, sexy enough.

Ochún, stand with me. I desperately need Your guidance. 

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Both me and the husband had trouble sleeping last night. Once asleep we slept well but we were easily roused and both were up and very awake several times. At one point we suddenly heard one of the cats being in a fight right outside the window, it sounded serious and we ended up getting up and going out to check on things. Our two big furry cat-monsters had for some reason started fighting *sigh* and when outside I noticed the full moon. Ah. Well that might have something to do with our trouble sleeping.

A few words about my progress overall. I am still struggling to reconnect with my body, I still find myself strangely tense as soon as I don’t focus on relaxing, but still I am making progress. When I meditated last night I reached much further than in a long time, both awareness and relaxation went wonderfully. Perhaps the moon helped? I should start taking notice of the moon cycles again, that’s also something that dropped away during the years of darkness.

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I have cried a lot today. But for once, they weren’t tears of empty despair. I actually felt hope. I have been feeling, and seeing, a side of me and a side of life that I have not felt for years. And for the first time in what feels like an eternity I am hopeful.

I have also been looking into my past, looking into what I have done, seen and experienced. And I wonder how I could so quickly forget. It is though I have shut myself up, stopped parts of me from thinking, from existing. I haven’t dared think. I have hated myself, and haven’t dared feel.

During these years I have also learned a great many things, and while I have lost friends I have also gained friends, that I dearly hope will stay with me even as I venture back into who I was, or rather who I am. Friends that I love, that I probably would never have gotten to know if I hadn’t strayed down this darker path.

Today I also bled, again. For no, years have passed and we still have not gotten pregnant. Apart from the pain, mind numbing as always, I felt alright. I don’t feel much of that terrible disappointment any more when the period comes, for I have stopped hoping, stopped believing it will suddenly happen. It won’t on its own.

Lastly, a short note on my valiant efforts to meditate. Yesterday I wrote about how now, after having been away from any and all spiritual practices for so long, I experience terrible trouble in even making my body relax. It went a little better last night than the night before, I think. I did manage to relax, the problem was that ten, fifteen seconds after, as soon as my mind strayed, I would find my muscles equally tense yet again. So instead of having this calm, soothing wave of relaxation pass through me as before, I could only send it as a pulse. Relax. And the muscles relaxed. And the muscles turned tense again, seconds later. Relax. I would tell my body again. And it relaxed. Only to turn tense again the moment my mind wandered. Relax. Strangely enough this pulsating relaxation was not as stressful as it sounds, for it was still progress compared to the night before.

I will try again tonight, and I will write again tomorrow. Until then, good night.

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Hello…

It has been ages since I wrote something here. While some things have been great since you last heard from me, a lot of things have been… not so good. I’ve been struggling, I’ve fallen and I’ve reached low points I don’t event want to think about.

I meditated for the first time in forever the other night. I tried to do as I have always done in the past, mentally going through each body part, telling it to relax. Usually it has meant a slow mental check of my body, go through piece by piece, feeling it, being aware of it, and then letting it drop away from attention and pleasantly fade away as I move on. This time, after so long, I struggled to even get through my left little toe.

Not kidding. I sat forever just trying to go through and release even the first little part of me.

Life has been hard. Somehow it does feel like I have turned a new leaf and I hope that I am starting to get back to who I was, who I am. Perhaps this, writing here, is a sign of that. I haven’t really allowed myself to be spiritual all this time. Haven’t wanted to feel or think. Haven’t wanted to be me.

I am trying. Trying to find myself again. Trying to get stronger again.

And now I am going to sit down and try again to meditate. And pray to come further than just the left little toe.

If you read this, and have even the slightest little sliver of positive energy to send me, please do. And thank you for reading.

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Hey there, I’m back home again after a couple of hours of hard work, and I thought I should tell you a little bit more about that strange event last night.

First of all, let me say this: I’m pretty sure this was a so-called “supernatural” event. Not that it isn’t natural… I just mean I really can’t find a physical reason for those dark drops to have ended up on me. I was inside in a perfectly dry room. No open windows, no condensation above. I was sitting perfectly still and couldn’t have knocked something over or anything, and I was alone in the room (my Husband was on the second floor) so there was no-one there who could have been teasing. The drops literally came out of nowhere.

 

Ok, making the assumption that the whole thing was somehow spiritually connected, there are now a number of questions floating in my mind. My gut reaction right after it happened was to sit down an meditate, and see if anything came up. Using the runes to ask for answers also felt like a good idea.

 

So I sat down and went into meditation, trying to reach both Mother and Father. And also Freya, since she’s come to me recently with some insights. With closed eyes I fingered my bag of runes, and started to ask questions.

Those dark drops… what were they? 

I drew three runes: Ansuz – Wunjo – Thurisaz

The first rune confirms the spiritual nature of the whole event, signalling that they originated in the spiritual or divine realm, and that they might even have been a message. Wunjo points at joy and positive energy, or even love. Thurisaz is connected with male energy, a violent reaction, destruction or change. And of course, the mystical being called the thurs. All together, Ansuz-Wunjo-Thurisaz, the message seems to be rather potent. I’m still reluctant to write up a summary just yet, so hold on.

Next question. From whom?  

Laguz

Laguz, how appropriate. Basically, it means water. However, just as water in itself is rich in symbolic value, laguz has too. I realize that I formulated my question badly, not being clear on if I meant “who is talking to me now?” or “who sent me the dark drops?” So I asked again, wanting to clear it up.

Who is sending me this information now? Who am I talking to?

Ansuz – Týr

I can’t help smiling. Týr literally means “god”, though it most often refers to the god Týr. As I spontaneously felt for Týr, wondering if it really was him, I got a nice little surprise. A nice tug of recognition, and I realized that Týr is Father. I felt embraced in warm and comforting light. And with the combination ansuz-tyr I felt pretty happy.

So the Laguz I got earlier, am I right to assume that it referred to the origin of the drops, where they came from?

Dagaz

I can only interpret that as a yes, that’s right. (Dagaz representing dawn, insights and breakthroughs)

 

If the drops were a message, what did they mean? 

Algiz

Protection? Algiz is also often described as representing the actual link between humans and divine beings, as such also being connected to spiritual awakening and a higher life.

 

There is one more thing to consider before making any assumptions as to the point of the whole thing. What was I doing when it happened? What was I thinking at the moment?

As I said in this morning’s blog post, the drops appeared as I was reading a website about religion, destiny and messengers in the (absolutely amazing) sci-fi series Battlestar Galactica (seriously, it’s an incredible series and everyone should see it!!!). I was pondering the nature of oracles and occult practices. And just before the first drop appeared I asked myself if it was time for me to offer runic divinations to other people. So far I’ve only done it for myself and my mom, since I haven’t felt competent enough to go public, so to say. But maybe it is time?

Five seconds later the first drop ran down over the computer screen, and a couple of seconds later more drops splashed down on my right leg.

I can’t help thinking the dark drops were a reaction to that which I was thinking and asking myself. Combine that with the indications given by the runes, I’d say it’s pretty certain. Where did the drops come from? Or perhaps the question should have been WHERE did they come from? Laguz, the astral plane. Laguz, spiritual powers. Laguz, the unconscious mind. Laguz, the hidden.

It almost feels as if the dark drops where physical manifestation of that which is Laguz. A little part of the hidden powers dripping into our physical world.

What was that? Ansuz-Wunjo-Thurisaz. A divine message, of joy and great change. Happy thurs. The positive side of the dangerous force that is thurs?

What was the message, what did it all mean? My gut feeling is that there is no great message, but more of a confirmation that a link is established between me and the astral. Algiz, the link between humans and divine beings.

As such, I think I have my answer. I asked if I was ready to serve and use whatever skill I have in divination, to help others communicate with the divine. I think the answer is yes.

 

That is my gut feeling about all of this weirdness. Does it sound plausible or am I reading way too much into this? Do you have any other interpretations? I am in no way certain of it all, I’m just trying to make sense of a totally weird experience which even threw my scientist and non-believer of a husband (he seemed almost worried, and joked that we were being haunted, but his voice actually sounded kinda serious.)

And if anyone of you want to be my first guinea-pig for runic divination,  raise your hand or shout out loud or send me smoke signals or something. I think it’s time I start doing this.

Love and light

/Journeymaid

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Last night’s meditation was short and sweet, solidifying the message I’d gotten 24 hours earlier. The body is a sacred tool and must not be underestimated.

Within my own mind, I started asking questions. Who is feeding me this information? Is it me, my subconscious, coming up with this? Or is there someone with me, guiding my thoughts? 

It’s probably my subconscious, I thought. This is probably me just having a conversation with myself.

For a moment I am visited by a memory. Of me looking over my shoulder and seeing the “Bird Woman”, described in this earlier blog post.


My immediate reaction: Well, now my mind is probably just making things up, looking desperately for an explanation. Because these thoughts of the body as a sacred tool is just my own idea, right?

My mind fills up with another image. A beautiful belly dancer, as seen on tv, dancing seductively. She’s looking at me, smiling, and wiggling her hips. Then the image flashes back to the bird woman. Then back to the young belly dancer. She keeps looking at me, always smiling. Melanie , I think. She is like Melanie. Melanie is a character in a book I’m reading, a beautiful and resourceful young woman who doesn’t mind using her sex appeal to get what she wants, though when the shit really hits the fan she can access abilities beyond what’s human. Flash, back to the belly dancer. Then back to the bird woman.

And then finally it hits me. It’s Freya. As soon as I think her name, I can feel her. Before, when she came to me as the old bird woman, I didn’t make the connection. Didn’t understand it was her, though I know she can take the shape of a bird. The beautiful dancer keeps smiling at me within my mind, and I feel a tingle of joy and appreciation coming from her.

I hadn’t thought of it before, but as soon as I felt her vibe I knew it made perfect sense. Freya’s connection to sex and erotic desires is well known, and I’m sure you’re also aware of her relation to warriors and battle. I have always thought this is a strange combination, sounding almost like a stereotypical male fantasy combining hot chicks with destructive weapons. But now I see, the connection lies in the body. In the powerful combination of mind and body.

The message came within a golden burst of joy and pleasure. I just smiled, feeling like my heart was swelling. This truly was Freya, and her energy was pure golden joy, Suddenly I remembered the little song I made up on Valentines day. Still smiling, I slumped down on the bed, drawing the blanket up around me and snuggled up by my darling Husband. Within my mind I sang the song to Freya, over and over again. I wished I could sing it out loud, but I didn’t wanna wake up my love. So it stayed within my mind, but singing it still felt glorious.

Freja du sköna, 

dansa vid min sida.

Sjung mig kärlek, sjung mig kärlek.

(Beautiful Freja, dance by my side. Sing me love, sing me love.)

 

edit:

Oh, one more thing I forgot to mention. As I realized the energy I was feeling belonged to Freya, for a brief second I wondered if there is any truth to the theories that all female goddesses in fact are aspects of one and the same goddess?  I sent out the question towards Freya: Are you an aspect of Mother? I got a very clear answer: I don’t want to talk about it. Huh. The feeling that enveloped that answer was bordering on irritation, yet it felt more as if she just ignored that question and moved on. I caught the drift and didn’t ask again. Perhaps I’ll raise the question some other time?

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I sit down in my bed, trying to quiet the mind after a long day. I open my mind towards the Mother and the Father. On an impulse I also greet the Little Sister, the Moon. And, to my own surprise, Frey also comes to mind.

I greet them but realize that my mind is too cluttered with images and thoughts, I can’t put a sentence together. Neither would I know what to say. I try to relax and clear my mind.

All of the sudden, I get somewhat of an insight. I look down on my pale and flabby body, and feel something different than the usual disgust. I suddenly realize that I must stop being afraid of my body. I must not shy away, but accept it. And use it.

I feel something I have never felt before. I feel myself, the real me, residing within this body. It sounds like such a cliché, but I finally understand that the body really is my temple. It is the home in which my spirit lives.

I look down on my body, my temple. For once I look and see beyond the aesthetic, beyond what’s “sexy” or “pretty”. I see the truth.

I have abused this body. By not using it as it is meant to be used it has grown weak. I eat more than I need and thus I gain more and more fat. My food addiction has made sure of that. I look at my legs and see ugly scabs, that I just can’t seem to stop picking open. I feel a slight itch in my scalp, where I’ve also been scratching open the same little scabs over and over again. I look at my fingertips, where I’ve not only bitten down every nail as far as possible, I’ve also chewed around the nails, leaving tiny wounds and irritated skin.

This body is the home of my spirit, and I really should be taking care of it. How can I expect my spirit to thrive when it’s stuck in a wrecked home? How can I expect to get pregnant, to start new life within my womb, when I haven’t even been taking care of myself?

Even now as I write this, I find it difficult to express what I feel. It all sounds so obvious, but these feelings inside of me are far from it. Suddenly feeling myself residing within… my physical body… it’s strange.

I grab the bottle of lavender oil that sits beside my bed, and start to carefully rub some of it into my skin. I need to heal this body. I need to listen carefully what it needs, and never forget how important it really is. It’s not just a piece of flesh, it’s my home.

Now, I will put down the laptop and once again settle down into meditation before I go to sleep. I just needed to write this down. I can not allow myself to forget what I just realized, must read tomorrow what I wrote tonight and remember.

Love and light to you all

/Journeymaid

 

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