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Posts Tagged ‘insemination’

Right now, I’m so damn nervous I almost feel like puking.

I’ve been taking ovulation tests each morning to determine when it’s time to get over to the clinic for insemination. Today, the test result was positive. I think. Maybe.

If you’ve never taken these kinds of tests yourself, here’s how it works. You pee in a bowl and then soak one end of the stick for 15 sec. Then you wait a couple of minutes. A control line always appears. Then there is a second line, that may or may not appear. If the second line is equal to the control line, or stronger, then you’ll be ovulating in a day or two. Add to that the fact that some women never get as strong results as others.

The result I got today was annoyingly unclear. The test line was aaaaaalmost as strong as the control line. In some parts, the line was as strong as the control. In other parts, it was slightly weaker.

So what do I do? Wait another day? Well then we might be too late and will have to wait yet another month. If we go ahead with the procedure at the wrong instance we’ll have wasted 3000 kr (= 450 US dollars). Huh.

So I called the clinic and described the test result. The nurse said I really should have bought the other kind of tests, where you get a simple yes/no answer. It’s just that those kinds of tests are way more expensive (ca 250, which is ca 37 US dollars per week), and since my cycle is highy irregular I have to keep taking these tests for much longer than most women. And since I am currently absent from work due to depression I really don’t want to strain our economy more than necessary.

In the end, the nurse thought it sounded like a positive test and thus we’ll run over for insemination tomorrow.  By the gods, I am nervous! Not of the actual procedure, or of the result thereof, but of having failed to read the test correctly. Scares the shit out of me, actually. Way more than it should, but I guess it’s all part of my general fear of failing in any way (hence the depression).

Plus, I actually got a similar result on a test just a week ago, and then we though it was probably a negative. The days following the test results were all clearly negative, and then today, the test line is up to borderline positive again. What the heck… I don’t know anything! I don’t want to be wrong, I don’t want to miss a chance to get pregnant, I don’t want to waste our money! And I really really really really really want the insemination to work. I want a child.

Btw, I had a pretty interesting dream last night which may or may not be connected to the whole ovulation question. In the dream, I found myself in somewhat of an orgy. Yeah, uhu!

Unfortunately my husband wasn’t actually one of the participants. But in the dream I was so far gone into some sexual craze that I neither noticed nor cared. It wasn’t until afterwards that my mind sort-of remembered reality and started worrying. Was it perhaps time for my ovulation? Could I accidentally be pregnant with another man after this? That got me very upset. Funny how dreams work… in that world, sex with those other men wasn’t actually cheating, as me and my hubby had some sort of understanding that pure sex with others was ok. (Which it sure as hell isn’t irl! I would never go off and have sex with others without my hubby, no way! It’s not even tempting!) But even in the dream, I could not imagine another man fathering my child.

You bet I was soooo relieved when I woke up and realized that it was all a dream!

Perhaps the dream is also an indication that I am in fact about to ovulate? That it is time to get me pregnant? Though I am not aware of it, my subconscious may very well know what’s going on down there… But why on earth give me such an upsetting dream? Couldn’t it have been all nice and fluffy and positive? =) Though I gotta say, the orgy part of the dream was steaming hot! 😛

Oh heck, I don’t know anything. I am confused and nervous. Gaaah.

Great Gods, just pleeeeease make me pregnant!

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