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Posts Tagged ‘health’

Blood

I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. Shouldn’t have dared think that this time maybe I actually was pregnant. I felt hope.

Yesterday I started bleeding. If by any chance we did manage to conceive this weekend I think it’s safe to say it’s gone now. Been bleeding since yesterday. Not a whole lot but still. And I got mild stomach ache too.

So with this my mood dropped like a rock. While yesterday started well my emotions got the best of me in the evening. I cried. As I am crying right now. When everything went dark last night I ate whatever I had at home, so much for the fast. I miss my husband too, he is away for two weeks now so I am alone.

Where did the light go?

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Who am I?

I am a woman who just reached the age of thirty. I am married to a wonderful man, and so far childless.

I am Swedish and my roots are Swedish/Scandinavian as far back as I can so far trace them.

I am a highly creative person. I love to learn and explore new things, and wish I could live a hundred lifetimes just to have time to learn all I would want to learn. I am deeply emotional, but also rational. I have the mind of a scientist but also the mind of a philosopher.

My faith is my own and follows no rules. In matters of spirituality and faith I can’t be a follower. It is not in me. I am the pathfinder, the explorer. At times that will surely lead me astray but it is in my nature to search and find the way, not rely on others. I search, I learn.

My political views don’t quite fit the norm. I am neither right nor left, and I am both. There is no political party I can vote for with confidence because I see too many faults in all. I vote for those I believe will do the least amount of harm.

My sexuality is as much a part of me as the colour of my hair or skin. I am a brunette and my skin is pale, by the way. I think red hair is absolutely beautiful and in my eyes the most beautiful skin is the darkest of dark. But that matters not at all. Where was I? Sexuality, yes. I am straight. I sometimes have wished I was bisexual, because in my eyes that seems the most practical, but in truth it matters not at all. It’s just part of who we are.

I have suffered from depressions, several of them, and they will probably keep coming back. Right now I am climbing up from one that has lasted several years. They keep coming back and I just need to learn how to handle them.

I am an introvert. Shy and nervous. But also confident and strong. I am both. Those who know me as the quiet nervous mouse would probably not even recognize the other me, the strong me. The nervous and shy me, the one without confidence, is one riddled by anxiety and doubt. The me that lies beyond that is another.

I have many faults, too many to count. I have trouble finishing what I start, I break promises, I fail people I love, I fail myself. I am egoistic and lazy. I am ashamed of myself, I can’t bear the weight of my faults and so I run away. I hold grudges even though I know I shouldn’t. I envy those more skilled than me or more successful than me, but I would like to believe that the envy doesn’t control me. I just observe that it is there and work to not let it bother me.

I am genuinely interested in what people think. I care too much. I want to please everyone but I know I can’t, and that makes me give up early. I have few friends, and many friends, at the same time. I try to understand people. I try to help.

I love my husband. I wish I was a better wife, I wish I was more supportive. I wish I was less of a burden to him, as I know I am. I wish I could carry him as he carries me.

I love my mother. She frustrates me, makes me angry and we can barely meet without having a shouting match. But I love her nonetheless and it frustrates me most that I can not help her.

I love my friends. Even those I fail. Even those I run away from out of shame for my faults.

I am no follower. But I am no leader either. I am a pathfinder lost in the woods, leaving a track both for myself and for others. I am doomed to fail, often and sometimes seriously. But I must keep moving. Keep searching.

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After what I mentioned in the previous post I have decided to go for a partial fast where my diet will be limited but not reduced to nothing. Fruit, raw vegetables, berries, nuts, that I will still allow myself. In not too great amounts. To drink it’ll be water or tea. 7 days. Weirdly enough I am more worried about managing this for 7 days than if it had been a whole water fast, just because it is easier for me to not eat at all than it is to eat and then stop myself.

I expect tomorrow, the first day, to probably be the hardest. Just because it’s so, so easy to say to myself that I can always just cheat a little bit on the first day, who would know the difference? And I do have major issues with self discipline when it comes to food. Eating even just a little triggers such an immense response inside my brain (food addiction, for real, yes) but that is also part of why I do this. To challenge myself to take control. The positive health effects I have seen before when fasting are of course an important factor but the mental effect of taking control is incredibly important too.

Food addiction. It’s an eating disorder, I have been diagnosed with it but the help I could get was limited because my problem is neither bulimia nor anorexia, but just a food addiction. When I eat there is an immediate response inside me, it’s like a little explosion of pleasure inside my head that is just divine, and for a moment everything feels good. It’s more than just eating as a result of stress or the more typical mood related eating, it is an actual addiction. But where an alcoholic can stop drinking entirely, I can’t stop eating entirely. Not for more than a few days. Imagine the poor alcoholic who is forced to drink just a little each day? See why I fast? I don’t do it often, maybe once or twice a year, so don’t worry about me trying to starve myself. It’s just… taking control.

That and the actual physical effects as I have already mentioned. But still, I believe for me the psychological impact is probably most important.

Along with fasting I will strive to meditate each day, and to go for a walk each day (regardless of weather). I’ll update the blog once per day too and let you know how it is going (and to keep myself motivated).

And how am I feeling right now? I’m hungry. I have been unusually hungry all day. Isn’t that typical? Hungry, and a little nervous that the first thing I’ll do tomorrow when I get off work is give in and buy something tasty. *sigh* It is hard already. But I will do it.

Will write more tomorrow, now good night!

Oh, and one more thing. I know a lot of people think that fasting isn’t healthy or safe. If you are one of those, please refrain from critiquing the fast until I am done, please? During these seven days I will need to keep motivation up and not get tempted into quitting early. So, if you have any objections, save it for when my seven days are over, please!

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I think I need to change plans for the coming week. As I have written several times before I have been planning to do a seven day fast. Water fast, even. Now… Yesterday, I told you about the dream I had. The ghost children running towards us, running through me, into me. As it turned out (*cough* the husband realized it after sex *cough*) I was ovulating. And well… Seeing how we have been trying to get pregnant for five years without success… If we actually managed to conceive yesterday, I can’t risk fucking it up by not eating at all for a week. I don’t really dare hope but IF we finally managed, I just can’t risk the body freaking out going “aaah starvation time, abort, abort!”

So I am not doing a full water fast this coming week after all. Not right after ovulating when I maaaaybe maybe finally might have managed conceiving. If it turns out I am not pregnant I’ll do it another week, when it should be safe. If I am pregnant… well obviously I won’t be fasting then!

Since I have been preparing both mentally and physically for this coming fast though I don’t want to just skip it all. So I am considering options here. Maybe I’ll do a half fast? I’ll need think about it.

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One week to go before I venture into my 7 day fast. This week I will cut down on the food intake, try to keep it at around half of what I normally eat, to hopefully lessen the physical shock of suddenly not eating at all.

For yes, I strive for complete fasting, only drinking water and tea. And don’t worry, should I find that true hunger sets in and I really do need food I’ll of course break the fast early. It’s fasting, not starvation, after all. I’ll also be writing here daily to keep a record of the progress.

Still curious if anyone would like to join me for the experience! I would welcome a fasting buddy. x)

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Today, when I woke up, I finally realized. I realized it even before I was entirely out of sleep, I was still only half conscious, but it was as clear as day.

When I fell away from my path, my mind ventured into the darkness of depression, I didn’t just lose touch with my Self – my inner me. I lost touch with the outer me, the physical me too. The connection between the inner me and the outer me broke.

The consequences of this wounded connection has been obvious, I just never understood the reason behind it before. I remember so clearly the first symptom, it took me by surprise.

I started clenching and grinding my teeth in my sleep. Never did that before. But suddenly I would wake up with jaws sore from the strain.

I lost hair. I’ve always had thick, healthy hair, suddenly it was growing thinner.

I stopped remembering my dreams. The dreams, that always had been so immensely important to me.

I suddenly lost all the joy of moving, exercising and being physically active. It seemed so strangely pointless.

I lost all control of my eating.

My menstruation has fucked up, the cycle going completely topsy turvy, and after five years I still have not managed to get pregnant despite there being both eggs and healthy sperm in place.

I found myself absentmindedly biting my lips until they bled, or scratching my scalp until the skin broke.

I lost touch with my sexuality. Physical experiences suddenly gave me, well almost nothing. Only mental stimulation could turn me on, it was as if the physical just didn’t affect me as before. Orgasms became rare.

I found myself physically tense. I marvelled over this just recently in a blog post if you remember, I talked about how strangely my muscles turn tense as soon as I do not actively focus on relaxing that part of my body. It takes only seconds, as soon as I am no longer focusing on relaxing a muscle it immediately turns tense again.

When I was still half asleep this morning, truth dawned on me. The connection between the two sides of me, the physical and the non-physical, is wounded.

As I lay there in bed I tried to start the process of reclaiming my body. Took control of the left big to, felt myself aware in it, told myself that I am there, in that toe. Next toe. Next toe. The rest of the foot, the ankle.

While I slowly, slowly reclaimed my left foot and leg I became aware of the rest of my body straining, ridiculously tense. So I went on. Slowly worked to reclaim the other foot too. Calves. Knees. Thighs. Buttox. Here it started getting trickier. Not as easy keeping control of my feet when my awareness was raisin higher up through my body, my feet wanted to grow tense again as soon as I “left” them.

Slowly, slowly I struggled to go through body part after body part, consciously trying to reclaim my own body. It was hard. This is not a wound I can mend by a quick fix of positive thinking. I need to regrow the connection between body and mind, mend myself.

As I lay there, it dawned on me that my husband had woken up next to me. Still silent but awake, he gently nudged me with a toe. I turned towards him and we kissed. As clear as day could I see, feel, what I had missed. Without having been connected to my own body, I could not appreciate his body either, I could not enjoy his touch. That lack of sexual enjoyment the last few years suddenly made sense.

We kissed slowly, I took my time to taste and enjoy his lips and his tongue, like I used to. The sensation was stunning. He touched me, and I could feel his touch again. I touched him and I felt him, he was really there. 

Still, the wound was not so easily mended. We kissed, we touched, I tasted him, he tasted me, we enjoyed each other. I enjoyed it, experienced it more than I have for several years, but still not quite there yet. I could still feel myself strangely absent from my own body. Feeling the touch but not… quite feeling it. Just like my feet would turn tense as soon as my awareness turned to another body part, the slightest distraction could make me lose touch.

Even though I am not quite there yet, it was intense. I finally saw what I have been missing, with body and mind disconnected. I haven’t been whole. I still am not.

Yes, I am wounded. But I can heal, I must heal. I can not live a half person, a fractured scrap of an individual. Body and mind must become one.

But now I can work on it. I will reclaim my body. I must.

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Fasting time

I just decided. It is time for another fast. A couple of months ago I had a shorter fast of three days, but I want to try a full week now.

I don’t think fasting is for everyone, absolutely not. But for me personally, it has in the past only had positive effects apart from a very temporary weakness.

Unless something pops up in my schedule that changes things, I’ll aim at starting the 7 day fast on the 6th of July. I’ll start preparing already now by cutting down just a bit on the food, and more importantly preparing mentally.

7 days.

Anyone want to join me for this? A fasting friend would be interesting, never had that before.

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