Posts Tagged ‘fertility’


I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. Shouldn’t have dared think that this time maybe I actually was pregnant. I felt hope.

Yesterday I started bleeding. If by any chance we did manage to conceive this weekend I think it’s safe to say it’s gone now. Been bleeding since yesterday. Not a whole lot but still. And I got mild stomach ache too.

So with this my mood dropped like a rock. While yesterday started well my emotions got the best of me in the evening. I cried. As I am crying right now. When everything went dark last night I ate whatever I had at home, so much for the fast. I miss my husband too, he is away for two weeks now so I am alone.

Where did the light go?

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I think I need to change plans for the coming week. As I have written several times before I have been planning to do a seven day fast. Water fast, even. Now… Yesterday, I told you about the dream I had. The ghost children running towards us, running through me, into me. As it turned out (*cough* the husband realized it after sex *cough*) I was ovulating. And well… Seeing how we have been trying to get pregnant for five years without success… If we actually managed to conceive yesterday, I can’t risk fucking it up by not eating at all for a week. I don’t really dare hope but IF we finally managed, I just can’t risk the body freaking out going “aaah starvation time, abort, abort!”

So I am not doing a full water fast this coming week after all. Not right after ovulating when I maaaaybe maybe finally might have managed conceiving. If it turns out I am not pregnant I’ll do it another week, when it should be safe. If I am pregnant… well obviously I won’t be fasting then!

Since I have been preparing both mentally and physically for this coming fast though I don’t want to just skip it all. So I am considering options here. Maybe I’ll do a half fast? I’ll need think about it.

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I was outside, it was in the late evening and it was just starting to get dark. My husband was right there next to me, standing on a ladder up against the garage, working on something. As I looked out over the fields surrounding our house I saw something.

Little people. Like humans only much smaller, I thought. Shadow figures, two of them, holding hands as they made their way down a little slope. I wondered if they were land spirits.

The shadow figures came closer, started running across the field towards us. As they came closer I saw that they were children. A girl in a summer dress and her hair in two braids, and a little boy holding her hand. Three, maybe four years old? Ghost figures.

Amazed at the sight I crouched down to get down to their level and held out a hand towards them. They were smiling, running together towards our house as if coming home. Not noticing me, they ran straight through me.

I stood up and looked around. They were gone, I couldn’t see them any more. Happy and amazed I looked up at my husband and tried to explain. “Either I am not entirely awake and imagining things, or I just saw two ghosts!”

And then I woke up. The emotion was still happy and intense. I had to wake up the husband and tell him, and when I did my eyes grew moist.

My dreams are returning.

The husband told me that last night I had been talking in my sleep too. Haven’t done that in several years. I had been speaking English, almost arguing, being very assertive, but he couldn’t quite hear what I said. That must be coming back too.

I don’t quite dare hope that the dream was more than just my subconscious expressing how much I long for children so let’s not get into that. But it was beautiful.

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Today, when I woke up, I finally realized. I realized it even before I was entirely out of sleep, I was still only half conscious, but it was as clear as day.

When I fell away from my path, my mind ventured into the darkness of depression, I didn’t just lose touch with my Self – my inner me. I lost touch with the outer me, the physical me too. The connection between the inner me and the outer me broke.

The consequences of this wounded connection has been obvious, I just never understood the reason behind it before. I remember so clearly the first symptom, it took me by surprise.

I started clenching and grinding my teeth in my sleep. Never did that before. But suddenly I would wake up with jaws sore from the strain.

I lost hair. I’ve always had thick, healthy hair, suddenly it was growing thinner.

I stopped remembering my dreams. The dreams, that always had been so immensely important to me.

I suddenly lost all the joy of moving, exercising and being physically active. It seemed so strangely pointless.

I lost all control of my eating.

My menstruation has fucked up, the cycle going completely topsy turvy, and after five years I still have not managed to get pregnant despite there being both eggs and healthy sperm in place.

I found myself absentmindedly biting my lips until they bled, or scratching my scalp until the skin broke.

I lost touch with my sexuality. Physical experiences suddenly gave me, well almost nothing. Only mental stimulation could turn me on, it was as if the physical just didn’t affect me as before. Orgasms became rare.

I found myself physically tense. I marvelled over this just recently in a blog post if you remember, I talked about how strangely my muscles turn tense as soon as I do not actively focus on relaxing that part of my body. It takes only seconds, as soon as I am no longer focusing on relaxing a muscle it immediately turns tense again.

When I was still half asleep this morning, truth dawned on me. The connection between the two sides of me, the physical and the non-physical, is wounded.

As I lay there in bed I tried to start the process of reclaiming my body. Took control of the left big to, felt myself aware in it, told myself that I am there, in that toe. Next toe. Next toe. The rest of the foot, the ankle.

While I slowly, slowly reclaimed my left foot and leg I became aware of the rest of my body straining, ridiculously tense. So I went on. Slowly worked to reclaim the other foot too. Calves. Knees. Thighs. Buttox. Here it started getting trickier. Not as easy keeping control of my feet when my awareness was raisin higher up through my body, my feet wanted to grow tense again as soon as I “left” them.

Slowly, slowly I struggled to go through body part after body part, consciously trying to reclaim my own body. It was hard. This is not a wound I can mend by a quick fix of positive thinking. I need to regrow the connection between body and mind, mend myself.

As I lay there, it dawned on me that my husband had woken up next to me. Still silent but awake, he gently nudged me with a toe. I turned towards him and we kissed. As clear as day could I see, feel, what I had missed. Without having been connected to my own body, I could not appreciate his body either, I could not enjoy his touch. That lack of sexual enjoyment the last few years suddenly made sense.

We kissed slowly, I took my time to taste and enjoy his lips and his tongue, like I used to. The sensation was stunning. He touched me, and I could feel his touch again. I touched him and I felt him, he was really there. 

Still, the wound was not so easily mended. We kissed, we touched, I tasted him, he tasted me, we enjoyed each other. I enjoyed it, experienced it more than I have for several years, but still not quite there yet. I could still feel myself strangely absent from my own body. Feeling the touch but not… quite feeling it. Just like my feet would turn tense as soon as my awareness turned to another body part, the slightest distraction could make me lose touch.

Even though I am not quite there yet, it was intense. I finally saw what I have been missing, with body and mind disconnected. I haven’t been whole. I still am not.

Yes, I am wounded. But I can heal, I must heal. I can not live a half person, a fractured scrap of an individual. Body and mind must become one.

But now I can work on it. I will reclaim my body. I must.

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I am still struggling. The last days have been horrible. I’ve fought heavy anxiety and grief that came as the result of a depressing appointment at the fertility clinic. It seems as though we might not get IVF yet, it was quite clear I thought that the shrink is going to not recommend us to get at it yet, on account of me being in recovery from depression. A depression brought on and made worse by the constant grief of not having managed to get pregnant. So, the last few days have been terrible.

But that wasn’t what I was going to tell you about. I was going to tell you that I am still dreaming. More and more, vibrant dreams like I used to have. I still have trouble remembering them but I remember that I did have them. Tonight, every time I woke up, I couldn’t wait to get back to sleep to carry on dreaming. Haven’t had that for years.

And then in the morning when I was lazily laying on my side, waiting for the husband to call out that the tea was ready, I felt a cat jump up on the bed and walk up behind my back. I turned around in bed and reached out to pet him, looking to see which of the cats it was. The bed was empty though, neither of our cats were there.


Then I wondered if it had been Lillis or Ronja, the cats I grew up with, that were part of my family for so long. And then it struck me, I haven’t been aware of a visit like this for years. Just as with the dreams, other experiences have been absent for a couple of years. It used to be such a natural part of life for me but somehow it disappeared. I hope this was a first sign of it coming back.

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I have cried a lot today. But for once, they weren’t tears of empty despair. I actually felt hope. I have been feeling, and seeing, a side of me and a side of life that I have not felt for years. And for the first time in what feels like an eternity I am hopeful.

I have also been looking into my past, looking into what I have done, seen and experienced. And I wonder how I could so quickly forget. It is though I have shut myself up, stopped parts of me from thinking, from existing. I haven’t dared think. I have hated myself, and haven’t dared feel.

During these years I have also learned a great many things, and while I have lost friends I have also gained friends, that I dearly hope will stay with me even as I venture back into who I was, or rather who I am. Friends that I love, that I probably would never have gotten to know if I hadn’t strayed down this darker path.

Today I also bled, again. For no, years have passed and we still have not gotten pregnant. Apart from the pain, mind numbing as always, I felt alright. I don’t feel much of that terrible disappointment any more when the period comes, for I have stopped hoping, stopped believing it will suddenly happen. It won’t on its own.

Lastly, a short note on my valiant efforts to meditate. Yesterday I wrote about how now, after having been away from any and all spiritual practices for so long, I experience terrible trouble in even making my body relax. It went a little better last night than the night before, I think. I did manage to relax, the problem was that ten, fifteen seconds after, as soon as my mind strayed, I would find my muscles equally tense yet again. So instead of having this calm, soothing wave of relaxation pass through me as before, I could only send it as a pulse. Relax. And the muscles relaxed. And the muscles turned tense again, seconds later. Relax. I would tell my body again. And it relaxed. Only to turn tense again the moment my mind wandered. Relax. Strangely enough this pulsating relaxation was not as stressful as it sounds, for it was still progress compared to the night before.

I will try again tonight, and I will write again tomorrow. Until then, good night.

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Creating a Baby (Dream)

Last night I had a dream that touched my heart.

Me and my husband were visiting a certain lady. She was not young, though not especially old either. Grey hair in a neat bun, and a spark of creativity in her eyes.

We had come to her to make a baby. Right in front of us she started working with what looked like a grey lump of clay, which slowly took the shape of a living but still unborn child.

People would contact her from all around the world, asking for unique children to be created. She made them from scratch, dna and all, to match the customers’ wishes. The child she made us would really be biologically ours, sharing our genes and everything.

While the baby formed she sometimes spoke to unseen visitors. She was receiving telepathic messages from… somewhere… sometime. Somehow she existed outside of time. She told us how she had made neanderthal babies, and how they were just like us despite the physical differences.

That’s all I can remember.

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