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Posts Tagged ‘fasting’

Blood

I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. Shouldn’t have dared think that this time maybe I actually was pregnant. I felt hope.

Yesterday I started bleeding. If by any chance we did manage to conceive this weekend I think it’s safe to say it’s gone now. Been bleeding since yesterday. Not a whole lot but still. And I got mild stomach ache too.

So with this my mood dropped like a rock. While yesterday started well my emotions got the best of me in the evening. I cried. As I am crying right now. When everything went dark last night I ate whatever I had at home, so much for the fast. I miss my husband too, he is away for two weeks now so I am alone.

Where did the light go?

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After what I mentioned in the previous post I have decided to go for a partial fast where my diet will be limited but not reduced to nothing. Fruit, raw vegetables, berries, nuts, that I will still allow myself. In not too great amounts. To drink it’ll be water or tea. 7 days. Weirdly enough I am more worried about managing this for 7 days than if it had been a whole water fast, just because it is easier for me to not eat at all than it is to eat and then stop myself.

I expect tomorrow, the first day, to probably be the hardest. Just because it’s so, so easy to say to myself that I can always just cheat a little bit on the first day, who would know the difference? And I do have major issues with self discipline when it comes to food. Eating even just a little triggers such an immense response inside my brain (food addiction, for real, yes) but that is also part of why I do this. To challenge myself to take control. The positive health effects I have seen before when fasting are of course an important factor but the mental effect of taking control is incredibly important too.

Food addiction. It’s an eating disorder, I have been diagnosed with it but the help I could get was limited because my problem is neither bulimia nor anorexia, but just a food addiction. When I eat there is an immediate response inside me, it’s like a little explosion of pleasure inside my head that is just divine, and for a moment everything feels good. It’s more than just eating as a result of stress or the more typical mood related eating, it is an actual addiction. But where an alcoholic can stop drinking entirely, I can’t stop eating entirely. Not for more than a few days. Imagine the poor alcoholic who is forced to drink just a little each day? See why I fast? I don’t do it often, maybe once or twice a year, so don’t worry about me trying to starve myself. It’s just… taking control.

That and the actual physical effects as I have already mentioned. But still, I believe for me the psychological impact is probably most important.

Along with fasting I will strive to meditate each day, and to go for a walk each day (regardless of weather). I’ll update the blog once per day too and let you know how it is going (and to keep myself motivated).

And how am I feeling right now? I’m hungry. I have been unusually hungry all day. Isn’t that typical? Hungry, and a little nervous that the first thing I’ll do tomorrow when I get off work is give in and buy something tasty. *sigh* It is hard already. But I will do it.

Will write more tomorrow, now good night!

Oh, and one more thing. I know a lot of people think that fasting isn’t healthy or safe. If you are one of those, please refrain from critiquing the fast until I am done, please? During these seven days I will need to keep motivation up and not get tempted into quitting early. So, if you have any objections, save it for when my seven days are over, please!

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I think I need to change plans for the coming week. As I have written several times before I have been planning to do a seven day fast. Water fast, even. Now… Yesterday, I told you about the dream I had. The ghost children running towards us, running through me, into me. As it turned out (*cough* the husband realized it after sex *cough*) I was ovulating. And well… Seeing how we have been trying to get pregnant for five years without success… If we actually managed to conceive yesterday, I can’t risk fucking it up by not eating at all for a week. I don’t really dare hope but IF we finally managed, I just can’t risk the body freaking out going “aaah starvation time, abort, abort!”

So I am not doing a full water fast this coming week after all. Not right after ovulating when I maaaaybe maybe finally might have managed conceiving. If it turns out I am not pregnant I’ll do it another week, when it should be safe. If I am pregnant… well obviously I won’t be fasting then!

Since I have been preparing both mentally and physically for this coming fast though I don’t want to just skip it all. So I am considering options here. Maybe I’ll do a half fast? I’ll need think about it.

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One week to go before I venture into my 7 day fast. This week I will cut down on the food intake, try to keep it at around half of what I normally eat, to hopefully lessen the physical shock of suddenly not eating at all.

For yes, I strive for complete fasting, only drinking water and tea. And don’t worry, should I find that true hunger sets in and I really do need food I’ll of course break the fast early. It’s fasting, not starvation, after all. I’ll also be writing here daily to keep a record of the progress.

Still curious if anyone would like to join me for the experience! I would welcome a fasting buddy. x)

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Fasting time

I just decided. It is time for another fast. A couple of months ago I had a shorter fast of three days, but I want to try a full week now.

I don’t think fasting is for everyone, absolutely not. But for me personally, it has in the past only had positive effects apart from a very temporary weakness.

Unless something pops up in my schedule that changes things, I’ll aim at starting the 7 day fast on the 6th of July. I’ll start preparing already now by cutting down just a bit on the food, and more importantly preparing mentally.

7 days.

Anyone want to join me for this? A fasting friend would be interesting, never had that before.

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Fail (fasting restart)

Today, I failed.

I woke up, drank my cup of tea and swallowed my vitamins, feeling content yet very, very tired. I went to work (on a saturday, woohoo…) and worked hard. Feeling tired and longing to just go home I went into the office kitchen, grabbed a cup of tea and opened the fridge to get a bit of milk.

And saw two leftover sandwhiches from yesterday’s lunch.

Seeing them stirred a malicious craving. I wanted to EAT. I wasn’t really hungry but I wanted to EAT. Frustrated I continued to work, having too much to do and having lost my calm, I kept craving SOMETHING, anything…

When I went home from work I felt sad, frustrated and desperate. I couldn’t stop myself, and bought a cheap pastry. And icecream with cream. And I came home feeling angry and sad, and ate. Binging? I guess. Though I feel like I’ve eaten immense amounts I haven’t actually eaten as much as I would have before, but still… I feel nauseous and sad. Even before I ate I knew I would just feel bad afterwards, but I did it anyways. So destructive! That’s why I’m sad, I don’t want to be destructive, I want to be constructive and creative!

So I guess tomorrow will be another day 1. I have to break this addiction, I need to! I will not give up now, when I’ve achieved so much. Not in terms of weight (I’ve lost just 2 kg in this whole week, but that’s ok.) but in terms of understanding myself. This is a battle I must win. It would be so easy to back down now and say “well, I guess one week was enough and you know it is important to listen to your body so I should probably end the fast now!”

But honestly, that would be a load of crap, and I’m not going to fool myself. I didn’t binge today because my body needed to end the fast. I binged because I lost control, and let that evil voice in the back of my head tell me what to do. That destructive voice. Yes, it has been an extremely hard and long week at work while I’ve been fasting. And yes, under more pleasant surroundings I would have conquered the cravings today. That is an explanation, but it’s not an excuse. Because all this will do is add a stone to my burden, both physically and mentally.

However. The voice may have won this battle, but it hasn’t won the war. Not yet. This is not the time for me to stop fasting, not at all. It is the time to step up my game, and go into water fasting. One week. Then one week of controlled ascent into eating. I need to do this. I need to show myself that I CAN do this, that I’m not a slave to the cravings.

And now I realize that this blog is no just about my inner victories… but rather,  it tells of my struggles. Personal growth and development isn’t always easy and fun. Today it was brutal and nasty. But I have learned from it, I must have.

To make everything just a little bit worse, my husband left this morning for a work related trip and will be gone for a whole week. Him leaving probably added to my loss of self control today, since I feel just a little bit sad that I’ll be alone for the week. But once again, that might be an explanation but it’s not an excuse. Oh well.

Now, I will go into the kitchen and get rid of the rest of the icecream (because thankfully I managed not to eat the whole thing!) and get myself a warm cup of tea. Then I will try to find some inspirational blogs, not about fasting but about inner development. I think that will be good.

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Fasting day 7

I am not entirely pleased about today. As the seventh day of the fast, marking the end of week one, it should have been a victory! But… As I mentioned yesterday, the big boss came to visit our office over lunch. That was fun, especially as I was called up to shake hands and receive praise for my great work (and a bottle of champagne!) but the problem was in the lunch part of the lunch meeting. We all got a fancy sandwich, and I didn’t feel confident enough to say no thanks.

So I ate the sandwich, which was very tasty indeed with lettuce, roast beef, tomatoe, roasted onions, and potato sallad on it. Yumm. But all along I felt unconfortable, not really wanting to eat.

Now it’s not the end of the world that I ate a sandwich, especially as it went through my system very quickly (an hour later most had rushed through me). Surprisingly I didn’t feel nauseous or anything… The problem was just that all of the “cravings” for snacking came crashing down on me, as if I hadn’t been fasting at all. I craved another sandwich thought I wasn’t hungry at all. I wanted chocolate. I wanted anything tasty. And the little voice in the back of my head whispered that now that I had already broken the fast I should just continue to eat… and snack away now that the day was ruined anyways. The crazy thing is this is how I’ve always felt before! As I realized that, this fast seemed like a true blessing.

Thankfully I managed to stay my hand and not grab another sandwich. I will not give in to that little voice in the back of my head. It will not have power over me.

Right now I feel a bit sorry for the person I’ve been up until the fast. Because that craving to stuff myself with snacks has always been there, just as strong as it was today! Right after eating a full meal I will have craved snacks. And even though the fast obviously still hasn’t gotten rid of that craving, it at least allowed me to view it from the outside, seeing how ridiculous it really is. Why eat when I don’t need more? That voice telling me to snack is such a bastard, to tell the truth, ruining my health.  Stupid cravings.

Now how should I deal with this? Since I ate today I will add another day or two to the fast, which means I have one and a half week left to go. I am also considering going on to a water fast for the last 7 days, upping the stakes a bit. The week directly after the end of it all I will start eating little by little, trying my best to stay in control over my food intake and not give in to the seduction of snacking and over-eating.

 

By the way, I seemed to have somewhat of a premonition this morning. I woke up, went downstairs still halfway asleep, and a song popped into my head. A song sung in the seventies by protesters who fought to stop the town from cutting down a couple of old trees. I haven’t heard that song for years, I can’t even remember the last time I thought about it. Then what do I see when I turn on the tv to watch the news? An old oak tree is supposed to be cut down, today, and they were reporting from a gathering of protesters. They had stayed by the tree all night (at temperature below freezing, I might add!), and were still going strong, determined not to let the tree fall. Coincidence?

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