Posts Tagged ‘Faith’

Personal Developments

Words spoken in jest by my husband have made me realize it may be time for me to change professional path. I don’t want to say too much too soon, it is still very uncertain if such would be possible in a practical sense. It would mean going back to uni for five years. It would mean being even more reliant on my husband’s salary to see us through. It would mean starting over, seeking an entirely new profession.

It feels strangely right.

But as said, it might not be practically possible. There is the financial aspect (the husband did NOT get happy about the idea of me going five years or so without an income…) and as always the child aspect. We are still waiting, hoping to get IVF treatment and planning is difficult with that constantly hovering over everything.

And now for something completely different.

I am growing more confident in my faith. Coming to realize that while I am a seeker, a journeymaid, a pathfinder, I am also, in a sense, a leader.

I think I need to start expressing myself more confidently here. No, wrong. I need to express myself with more confidence.

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Who am I?

I am a woman who just reached the age of thirty. I am married to a wonderful man, and so far childless.

I am Swedish and my roots are Swedish/Scandinavian as far back as I can so far trace them.

I am a highly creative person. I love to learn and explore new things, and wish I could live a hundred lifetimes just to have time to learn all I would want to learn. I am deeply emotional, but also rational. I have the mind of a scientist but also the mind of a philosopher.

My faith is my own and follows no rules. In matters of spirituality and faith I can’t be a follower. It is not in me. I am the pathfinder, the explorer. At times that will surely lead me astray but it is in my nature to search and find the way, not rely on others. I search, I learn.

My political views don’t quite fit the norm. I am neither right nor left, and I am both. There is no political party I can vote for with confidence because I see too many faults in all. I vote for those I believe will do the least amount of harm.

My sexuality is as much a part of me as the colour of my hair or skin. I am a brunette and my skin is pale, by the way. I think red hair is absolutely beautiful and in my eyes the most beautiful skin is the darkest of dark. But that matters not at all. Where was I? Sexuality, yes. I am straight. I sometimes have wished I was bisexual, because in my eyes that seems the most practical, but in truth it matters not at all. It’s just part of who we are.

I have suffered from depressions, several of them, and they will probably keep coming back. Right now I am climbing up from one that has lasted several years. They keep coming back and I just need to learn how to handle them.

I am an introvert. Shy and nervous. But also confident and strong. I am both. Those who know me as the quiet nervous mouse would probably not even recognize the other me, the strong me. The nervous and shy me, the one without confidence, is one riddled by anxiety and doubt. The me that lies beyond that is another.

I have many faults, too many to count. I have trouble finishing what I start, I break promises, I fail people I love, I fail myself. I am egoistic and lazy. I am ashamed of myself, I can’t bear the weight of my faults and so I run away. I hold grudges even though I know I shouldn’t. I envy those more skilled than me or more successful than me, but I would like to believe that the envy doesn’t control me. I just observe that it is there and work to not let it bother me.

I am genuinely interested in what people think. I care too much. I want to please everyone but I know I can’t, and that makes me give up early. I have few friends, and many friends, at the same time. I try to understand people. I try to help.

I love my husband. I wish I was a better wife, I wish I was more supportive. I wish I was less of a burden to him, as I know I am. I wish I could carry him as he carries me.

I love my mother. She frustrates me, makes me angry and we can barely meet without having a shouting match. But I love her nonetheless and it frustrates me most that I can not help her.

I love my friends. Even those I fail. Even those I run away from out of shame for my faults.

I am no follower. But I am no leader either. I am a pathfinder lost in the woods, leaving a track both for myself and for others. I am doomed to fail, often and sometimes seriously. But I must keep moving. Keep searching.

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