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Posts Tagged ‘dreams’

Who was this?

Never before have  I woke up screaming. But wait, I am getting ahead of myself, let me start from the beginning.

An hour ago or so I was half asleep, cuddled up with an absent husband’s pillow, enjoying those precious last minutes in bed. I was aware of drifting in and out of sleep, and when I felt someone crawling up on the bed next to me I was fully aware of it just being a dream. Still, it was so fragile, I knew that if I moved or turned to look I’d wake up and see no one. But I could feel her, and I wanted to savour the moment, so I stopped myself from waking up.

I could feel her, I wrote. Because it was a female presence. I didn’t dare turn my head to look, being so close to waking up, so I just kept entirely still, and listened. I could feel her weight against the bed, her hands on my legs. Her voice was gentle.

“It took me a while to find you. I had to look through a couple of generations.”

She was a heavy, comforting presence on the bed next to me. I don’t know why, the talk turned to the issue of children.

“… you did right. Waiting, you needed to mature first.”

But it wasn’t a choice, I protested, feeling tears well up in my eyes. I’ve tried. Her comforting presence started to withdraw, she said she wouldn’t come back for a good while.

She left, the warmth gone from the bed.

And then I heard someone entering the room. It surprised me, she said she wouldn’t be back for a long while after all, this had to be someone else.

Someone was watching me, and I heard a man’s voice.

“I like your–“

Hearing the strange voice, I flinched badly, looked towards the door and screamed. It tore me from the dream and plunged me back into reality, with a scream still leaving my throat. I saw no one, I was awake. But he had been there, I was sure.

Now, I still feel a bit… shaken up. I was dreaming, I know I was. But it felt so real, it felt like I was at the same time asleep and awake, resting inbetween.

Who was the male presence? He scared me, quite badly. What woman wouldn’t get terrified when a strange man suddenly walks into her bedroom when she is supposed to be alone? First time I’ve woken up with a scream.

I wonder who it was. Of course I wonder who She was too, who had searched through a couple of generations to find me. I hope it won’t take years and years before she returns, I would very much like to talk to her again.

Him, though. Who the heck was that?

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Whipped cream. A bowl of whipped cream, with something in it. I eat some. I eat some more. 

What’s in the whipped cream? I look closer. Ticks. Still living, wiggling, blood filled ticks. 

I stop eating, feeling sick. 

An unusually disgusting nightmare. I can still feel the ticks wiggling around in my mouth before popping. Absolutely distusting. How would I interpret it? Ahah, that’s a fun one. The meaning is quite clear to me, actually. It’s not something profound and solemn, it’s not grand and spiritual. This is not prophecy, this is communication.

“Think of this when you see whipped cream. It’s disgusting, you don’t want to eat it.”

I love whipped cream. I could seriously eat bowl fulls of it. But with this dream fresh in memory the idea of eating whipped cream makes my stomach turn. Disgusting but very practical for me who needs to NOT eat such. Yuck. Uuäääh. No whipped cream, please.

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I think I need to change plans for the coming week. As I have written several times before I have been planning to do a seven day fast. Water fast, even. Now… Yesterday, I told you about the dream I had. The ghost children running towards us, running through me, into me. As it turned out (*cough* the husband realized it after sex *cough*) I was ovulating. And well… Seeing how we have been trying to get pregnant for five years without success… If we actually managed to conceive yesterday, I can’t risk fucking it up by not eating at all for a week. I don’t really dare hope but IF we finally managed, I just can’t risk the body freaking out going “aaah starvation time, abort, abort!”

So I am not doing a full water fast this coming week after all. Not right after ovulating when I maaaaybe maybe finally might have managed conceiving. If it turns out I am not pregnant I’ll do it another week, when it should be safe. If I am pregnant… well obviously I won’t be fasting then!

Since I have been preparing both mentally and physically for this coming fast though I don’t want to just skip it all. So I am considering options here. Maybe I’ll do a half fast? I’ll need think about it.

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I was outside, it was in the late evening and it was just starting to get dark. My husband was right there next to me, standing on a ladder up against the garage, working on something. As I looked out over the fields surrounding our house I saw something.

Little people. Like humans only much smaller, I thought. Shadow figures, two of them, holding hands as they made their way down a little slope. I wondered if they were land spirits.

The shadow figures came closer, started running across the field towards us. As they came closer I saw that they were children. A girl in a summer dress and her hair in two braids, and a little boy holding her hand. Three, maybe four years old? Ghost figures.

Amazed at the sight I crouched down to get down to their level and held out a hand towards them. They were smiling, running together towards our house as if coming home. Not noticing me, they ran straight through me.

I stood up and looked around. They were gone, I couldn’t see them any more. Happy and amazed I looked up at my husband and tried to explain. “Either I am not entirely awake and imagining things, or I just saw two ghosts!”

And then I woke up. The emotion was still happy and intense. I had to wake up the husband and tell him, and when I did my eyes grew moist.

My dreams are returning.

The husband told me that last night I had been talking in my sleep too. Haven’t done that in several years. I had been speaking English, almost arguing, being very assertive, but he couldn’t quite hear what I said. That must be coming back too.

I don’t quite dare hope that the dream was more than just my subconscious expressing how much I long for children so let’s not get into that. But it was beautiful.

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Today, when I woke up, I finally realized. I realized it even before I was entirely out of sleep, I was still only half conscious, but it was as clear as day.

When I fell away from my path, my mind ventured into the darkness of depression, I didn’t just lose touch with my Self – my inner me. I lost touch with the outer me, the physical me too. The connection between the inner me and the outer me broke.

The consequences of this wounded connection has been obvious, I just never understood the reason behind it before. I remember so clearly the first symptom, it took me by surprise.

I started clenching and grinding my teeth in my sleep. Never did that before. But suddenly I would wake up with jaws sore from the strain.

I lost hair. I’ve always had thick, healthy hair, suddenly it was growing thinner.

I stopped remembering my dreams. The dreams, that always had been so immensely important to me.

I suddenly lost all the joy of moving, exercising and being physically active. It seemed so strangely pointless.

I lost all control of my eating.

My menstruation has fucked up, the cycle going completely topsy turvy, and after five years I still have not managed to get pregnant despite there being both eggs and healthy sperm in place.

I found myself absentmindedly biting my lips until they bled, or scratching my scalp until the skin broke.

I lost touch with my sexuality. Physical experiences suddenly gave me, well almost nothing. Only mental stimulation could turn me on, it was as if the physical just didn’t affect me as before. Orgasms became rare.

I found myself physically tense. I marvelled over this just recently in a blog post if you remember, I talked about how strangely my muscles turn tense as soon as I do not actively focus on relaxing that part of my body. It takes only seconds, as soon as I am no longer focusing on relaxing a muscle it immediately turns tense again.

When I was still half asleep this morning, truth dawned on me. The connection between the two sides of me, the physical and the non-physical, is wounded.

As I lay there in bed I tried to start the process of reclaiming my body. Took control of the left big to, felt myself aware in it, told myself that I am there, in that toe. Next toe. Next toe. The rest of the foot, the ankle.

While I slowly, slowly reclaimed my left foot and leg I became aware of the rest of my body straining, ridiculously tense. So I went on. Slowly worked to reclaim the other foot too. Calves. Knees. Thighs. Buttox. Here it started getting trickier. Not as easy keeping control of my feet when my awareness was raisin higher up through my body, my feet wanted to grow tense again as soon as I “left” them.

Slowly, slowly I struggled to go through body part after body part, consciously trying to reclaim my own body. It was hard. This is not a wound I can mend by a quick fix of positive thinking. I need to regrow the connection between body and mind, mend myself.

As I lay there, it dawned on me that my husband had woken up next to me. Still silent but awake, he gently nudged me with a toe. I turned towards him and we kissed. As clear as day could I see, feel, what I had missed. Without having been connected to my own body, I could not appreciate his body either, I could not enjoy his touch. That lack of sexual enjoyment the last few years suddenly made sense.

We kissed slowly, I took my time to taste and enjoy his lips and his tongue, like I used to. The sensation was stunning. He touched me, and I could feel his touch again. I touched him and I felt him, he was really there. 

Still, the wound was not so easily mended. We kissed, we touched, I tasted him, he tasted me, we enjoyed each other. I enjoyed it, experienced it more than I have for several years, but still not quite there yet. I could still feel myself strangely absent from my own body. Feeling the touch but not… quite feeling it. Just like my feet would turn tense as soon as my awareness turned to another body part, the slightest distraction could make me lose touch.

Even though I am not quite there yet, it was intense. I finally saw what I have been missing, with body and mind disconnected. I haven’t been whole. I still am not.

Yes, I am wounded. But I can heal, I must heal. I can not live a half person, a fractured scrap of an individual. Body and mind must become one.

But now I can work on it. I will reclaim my body. I must.

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I dreamt intense dreams about communicating with a person who has been absent for a long time. When I woke up it was all that was on my mind, hearing from this old friend seemed to have completely occupied my sleeping mind last night. A little odd, I thought, since I don’t usually dream or even think about her.

I got up, sat down for breakfast. Started up my laptop, checked Skype. Well how about that. The old friend who has been absent for so long, who hasn’t been in touch at all for what, a year? She was back.

Precognitive dreams used to be a regular occurrence for me. Dare I believe they are coming back?

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Trying to reconnect

Last night before bed I tried to reconnect with Mother. I lit her candle, focused, prayed.

While I feel I am slowly getting back the ability to at least relax, and my focus is improving, I am still far from back. I tried to reconnect. Asked for help. Asked as humbly as I could, pleaded. Only asking for help to feel and connect again. I tried so hard I almost cried.

But nothing.

I hope that the emptiness and silence was on my end. I just don’t want to think She would reject me. I can’t think that She would. It must be on my end, I am not yet back, open for that connection.

It’s not entirely true, though. It wasn’t completely empty. I felt a sliver of something. But it just wasn’t Mother. I think, maybe I felt a sliver of myself?

***

The more vibrant dreams continue. Last night, perhaps a bit too much. I dreamt of an argument and a struggle, I was wrestling someone. I woke up startled when the husband yelled out. When I in the dream had bitten my opponent, I in reality had bitten the husband’s back. I could see the bite mark and all. Oops.

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