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Posts Tagged ‘anxiety’

I am still struggling. The last days have been horrible. I’ve fought heavy anxiety and grief that came as the result of a depressing appointment at the fertility clinic. It seems as though we might not get IVF yet, it was quite clear I thought that the shrink is going to not recommend us to get at it yet, on account of me being in recovery from depression. A depression brought on and made worse by the constant grief of not having managed to get pregnant. So, the last few days have been terrible.

But that wasn’t what I was going to tell you about. I was going to tell you that I am still dreaming. More and more, vibrant dreams like I used to have. I still have trouble remembering them but I remember that I did have them. Tonight, every time I woke up, I couldn’t wait to get back to sleep to carry on dreaming. Haven’t had that for years.

And then in the morning when I was lazily laying on my side, waiting for the husband to call out that the tea was ready, I felt a cat jump up on the bed and walk up behind my back. I turned around in bed and reached out to pet him, looking to see which of the cats it was. The bed was empty though, neither of our cats were there.

Oh.

Then I wondered if it had been Lillis or Ronja, the cats I grew up with, that were part of my family for so long. And then it struck me, I haven’t been aware of a visit like this for years. Just as with the dreams, other experiences have been absent for a couple of years. It used to be such a natural part of life for me but somehow it disappeared. I hope this was a first sign of it coming back.

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I have cried a lot today. But for once, they weren’t tears of empty despair. I actually felt hope. I have been feeling, and seeing, a side of me and a side of life that I have not felt for years. And for the first time in what feels like an eternity I am hopeful.

I have also been looking into my past, looking into what I have done, seen and experienced. And I wonder how I could so quickly forget. It is though I have shut myself up, stopped parts of me from thinking, from existing. I haven’t dared think. I have hated myself, and haven’t dared feel.

During these years I have also learned a great many things, and while I have lost friends I have also gained friends, that I dearly hope will stay with me even as I venture back into who I was, or rather who I am. Friends that I love, that I probably would never have gotten to know if I hadn’t strayed down this darker path.

Today I also bled, again. For no, years have passed and we still have not gotten pregnant. Apart from the pain, mind numbing as always, I felt alright. I don’t feel much of that terrible disappointment any more when the period comes, for I have stopped hoping, stopped believing it will suddenly happen. It won’t on its own.

Lastly, a short note on my valiant efforts to meditate. Yesterday I wrote about how now, after having been away from any and all spiritual practices for so long, I experience terrible trouble in even making my body relax. It went a little better last night than the night before, I think. I did manage to relax, the problem was that ten, fifteen seconds after, as soon as my mind strayed, I would find my muscles equally tense yet again. So instead of having this calm, soothing wave of relaxation pass through me as before, I could only send it as a pulse. Relax. And the muscles relaxed. And the muscles turned tense again, seconds later. Relax. I would tell my body again. And it relaxed. Only to turn tense again the moment my mind wandered. Relax. Strangely enough this pulsating relaxation was not as stressful as it sounds, for it was still progress compared to the night before.

I will try again tonight, and I will write again tomorrow. Until then, good night.

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First of all, I promised I’d tell you about my eco-haircare experiments. Yesterday I picked a bunch of birch leaves and lemon balm, and let it soak in water for a couple of hours. Occasionally I would stir and beat the leaves with a wooden spoon to get the juices flowing. In the end I filtered away the greens and got left with a very pale green liquid that I then used to wash my hair with. I took care to massage my scalp and rinse thoroughly.

And the result? Extremely soft. Clean. Perhaps a fraction more greasy than after a regular shampoo washing, but weirdly it seemed to get better after a couple of hours. This I will definitely do again, and I would definitely recommend it to anyone.

BUT! If you feel like trying to wash your hair with birch leaves or oatmeal (as I told you about in the last post) or stuff like that, you need to know that most usual shampoos will leave substances in your hair that can’t be washed out with just anything. So if you try a natural method and the result is a greasy mess, you need to get yourself a shampoo that can wash out the nasties one last time without leaving any new shit in your hair. After that you should be fine. I’d recommend you google “no poo” and read up on it!

 

Moving on…

I’ve been sick again, for most of the week.  Hellishly sore throat, a slight fever and yesterday a headache from hell jumped me. Today I feel better, but it’s not over yet.

As you know, this blog is called “my inner path”. So why focus on my physical health? Well, I have a growing suspicion that it’s all connected in a much deeper way than I’ve previously thought.

I get sick ALL the time. I’m struggling with my weight and a serious food addiction. I also have recurring depressions. I can’t seem to get pregnant, though there’s supposedly nothing physically wrong with me or my husband.

I think it’s all connected. I think I need to start paying attention to my day-to-day physical health and note down exactly how it coincides with my state of mind, what I’ve eaten and what’s been going on around me. If I document it, perhaps I can make some sense of it all.  At first I thought I should write it here in this blog, but I realize it will be much more practical to use an excel sheet and keep it short and clear to make a later interpretation easier in the end. I will tell you how it turns out, though!

Love and light

/Journeymaid

 

 

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Lucky me!

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve had problems with recurring depressions and food addiction. Not really grasping the problem, my regular doctor referred me to a psychiatrist, and today I went for my second visit. Trying to figure out what’s what the shrink went through a bucketload of standard questions, covering everything from “how often do you drink alcohol?” to “have you ever tried to commit suicide?” and “do you ever hear voices that other’s can’t hear?”

Yeah, that’s where I started to think of how to express myself so that she didn’t get the wrong impression of me…  We all know how paranormal and spiritual experiences may be judged by non-believers… Ehm…

Taking a deep breath I decided to be honest, but not go into specifics. One of the questions was “do you feel like there is a greater force that you are somehow a part of?” Good place to start! I said that I am rather spiritual person and I often feel a connection to Nature, for example.

Next question. Had I ever seen things, that others couldn’t see? Ehm, how to say this… I smiled and probably blushed a bit, and said that I’ve seen a ghost, and there have been some other similar experiences as well… spiritual experiences.

She smiled at me and nodded, looked me in the eyes and said that that’s ok, those kind of experiences do not point at a psychological problem.

I was so relieved! I told her then, that I thought the entire question of religous/spiritual experiences contra hallucinations is a tricky one. Her answer was relaxed and encouraging, saying that in a religious/spiritual context it’s not that strange to have such experiences, since it has to do with one’s personal beliefs.

I would like to thank the universe for sending me to such an open minded psychiatrist! I was a bit scared that I’d be wrongly diagnosed with some psychological illness, just because of my spiritual interests, but thankfully she could tell the difference between spiritual experiences and hallucinations. Yes, thank you!

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So I had a really had day yesterday. Or rather, a very good and pleasant day turned into a very bad evening. Ended up crying lika a baby for hours in a weirdo painful semi-anxiety attack. 

I had just finished sewing a pretty grey blouse and I was so happy with the result. The pattern I had made myself, and it fit perfectly. Plus it only took a couple of hour to make.

I had done some housework and enjoyed both the result and the actual work. Plus my hubby worked from home, which is very unusual, which made me so happy.

I was full of energy, creativity and joy. 

Thinking I wanted to take some good pics of the grey blouse I’d made, I got myself generally dolled up with nice make up and pretty dangling earrings, the blouse with a wide belt over it, and a long black skirt. And I dragged hubby outside to take some pics.

We came in again and I downloaded the pics to my computor. 

The pics were horrible. I looked like a stranded whale. Partially one can blame it on hubby, who’s a lousy photographer and doesn’t actually look at the pics he’s taking, so the angles are terribly unflattering and all. But even if you disregard all that, I still looked terrible.

After that I was left with one single thought in my mind: I have to stop thinking I look good, cuz every time I see myself in a photo I get such a shock. I must remember that I look like a fat-ass walrus, never ever think I look pretty, and for fuck’s sake, don’t let anyone see me. I should just go hide in a hole or start wearing a burka so that the world cannot see me. And pity my husband who’s got such an ugly wife.

Great, now I’m crying again. Fuck. 

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A month ago I did a runic divination on what I would come to face in the month of March. The original blog post is right here.  As today is the first of April, it’s time to look back and see what’s what.

As I’ve said before, I’m still just learning how to use the runes for divination. Thus the point of my readings are not really to “get it right”, but to cast the runes, interpret them as good as I can, and then afterwards look back on what really happened. The main point being the last bit. Only by collecting experiences I can ever learn, I feel.

So a month ago, I cast three runes: Tiwaz, Dagaz and Othala.

If you read the original blog post you’ll know that I was highly confused as to how one should interpret the runes. What especially hit me as problematic was whether or not one should read upside-down runes as reverse, and what to do with runes that landed face down. In the end I felt that the advice given by Lucius Swartwulf best described what I somehow felt was reasonable, and I though it may not make for the easiest way to make accurate readings it’s probably the most correct.

Here’s what Lucius wrote:

As a rule, I tend to just see the runes, the direction isn’t something I pay attention to.

The reason for this is simple and complex. To me, the runes that fall indicate “Fate points” or “Points of Fate” where the threads of wyrd run together. So when Othala happens, it means some even related to Othala will happen. The positive or negative, however, is both a matter of perspective and the result of multiple threads and choices.

This was just what had been brewing within me but I hadn’t been able to formulate! If you wanna talk math, let’s just say that a rune isn’t a point, it’s a line. Or perhaps even a plane.

Anyhow, let’s move on to the actual reading of March. Here’s what sunnyway.com has to say about the three runes in question:

Tiwaz: Honor, justice, leadership and authority. Analysis, rationality. Knowing where one’s true strengths lie. Willingness to self-sacrifice. Victory and success in any competition or in legal matters. Tiwaz Reversed or Merkstave: One’s energy and creative flow are blocked. Mental paralysis, over-analysis, over-sacrifice, injustice, imbalance. Strife, war, conflict, failure in competition. Dwindling passion, difficulties in communication, and possibly separation.

Dagaz:Breakthrough, awakening, awareness. Daylight clarity as opposed to nighttime uncertainty. A time to plan or embark upon an enterprise. The power of change directed by your own will, transformation. Hope/happiness, the ideal. Security and certainty. Growth and release. Balance point, the place where opposites meet. Dagaz Merkstave (Dagaz cannot be reversed, but may lie in opposition): A completion, ending, limit, coming full circle. Blindness, hopelessness.

Othala:Inherited property or possessions, a house, a home. What is truly important to one. Group order, group prosperity. Land of birth, spiritual heritage, experience and fundamental values. Aid in spiritual and physical journeys. Source of safety, increase and abundance. Othala Reversed or Merkstave: Lack of customary order, totalitarianism, slavery, poverty, homelessness. Bad karma, prejudice, clannishness, provincialism. What a man is bound to.

Dagaz is the easiest one to start with, because I really have made a breakthrough this month. Or actually one could argue I’ve had two breakthroughs! First of all, I’ve finally understood that I am a food addict. For real. When I described my situation to a psychologist her eyes widened in amazement and said that it was a textbook example of addiction, and a better description of it than she’d ever heard from a patient. She adviced me to call the eating disorder clinic and ask them to get an appointment ASAP, because the problem is worse than the doctor had previously understood.

Yeah, that’s not easy to digest (pun intended, haha) but at least it the second breakthrough is a bit more pleasant. It’s got to do with mindfulness, and the awareness exercises I’ve immersed myself in.

I really hadn’t expected it to be so lifechanging… and it’s really a huge topic so I think I’ll write a separate blog post about mindfulness later on, or else this will be a humongous block of blog text. =) But yeah, it’s good!

Then what about Tiwaz? Well, what strikes me as the most appropriate is the desription of the reverse. Let’s just say the whole food addiction thing has made me feel temporarily worse and the depression hasn’t let me out of it’s sight.

The last one is Othala, which I think doesn’t point to a specific happening but to our continued passion for the piece of land we’re making our future home. We’ve been out there every weekend working our asses off in an attempt to clear the land in preparation for building house and creating the garden we’ve envisioned. It’s been constantly on our minds, and though we’re still a long way from being able to move, we’ve already put down our roots in that soil. House or no house, that piece of land has become our paradise and there is no place we’d rather be right now. No one else may see the beauty in the oh so scruffy looking land, but to us it couldn’t have been better.

So there you have it, a retrospect interpretation of the runes cast a month ago. Tiwaz – I was to suffer from continued mental imbalance and blockage (depression). Dagaz – I was to have great breakthroughs, especially finally understanding and learning to accept my food addiction. Othala – Working on creating a home for us and our future children, putting down roots in the land we love.

Love and light!
Journeymaid

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Right now, I’m so damn nervous I almost feel like puking.

I’ve been taking ovulation tests each morning to determine when it’s time to get over to the clinic for insemination. Today, the test result was positive. I think. Maybe.

If you’ve never taken these kinds of tests yourself, here’s how it works. You pee in a bowl and then soak one end of the stick for 15 sec. Then you wait a couple of minutes. A control line always appears. Then there is a second line, that may or may not appear. If the second line is equal to the control line, or stronger, then you’ll be ovulating in a day or two. Add to that the fact that some women never get as strong results as others.

The result I got today was annoyingly unclear. The test line was aaaaaalmost as strong as the control line. In some parts, the line was as strong as the control. In other parts, it was slightly weaker.

So what do I do? Wait another day? Well then we might be too late and will have to wait yet another month. If we go ahead with the procedure at the wrong instance we’ll have wasted 3000 kr (= 450 US dollars). Huh.

So I called the clinic and described the test result. The nurse said I really should have bought the other kind of tests, where you get a simple yes/no answer. It’s just that those kinds of tests are way more expensive (ca 250, which is ca 37 US dollars per week), and since my cycle is highy irregular I have to keep taking these tests for much longer than most women. And since I am currently absent from work due to depression I really don’t want to strain our economy more than necessary.

In the end, the nurse thought it sounded like a positive test and thus we’ll run over for insemination tomorrow.  By the gods, I am nervous! Not of the actual procedure, or of the result thereof, but of having failed to read the test correctly. Scares the shit out of me, actually. Way more than it should, but I guess it’s all part of my general fear of failing in any way (hence the depression).

Plus, I actually got a similar result on a test just a week ago, and then we though it was probably a negative. The days following the test results were all clearly negative, and then today, the test line is up to borderline positive again. What the heck… I don’t know anything! I don’t want to be wrong, I don’t want to miss a chance to get pregnant, I don’t want to waste our money! And I really really really really really want the insemination to work. I want a child.

Btw, I had a pretty interesting dream last night which may or may not be connected to the whole ovulation question. In the dream, I found myself in somewhat of an orgy. Yeah, uhu!

Unfortunately my husband wasn’t actually one of the participants. But in the dream I was so far gone into some sexual craze that I neither noticed nor cared. It wasn’t until afterwards that my mind sort-of remembered reality and started worrying. Was it perhaps time for my ovulation? Could I accidentally be pregnant with another man after this? That got me very upset. Funny how dreams work… in that world, sex with those other men wasn’t actually cheating, as me and my hubby had some sort of understanding that pure sex with others was ok. (Which it sure as hell isn’t irl! I would never go off and have sex with others without my hubby, no way! It’s not even tempting!) But even in the dream, I could not imagine another man fathering my child.

You bet I was soooo relieved when I woke up and realized that it was all a dream!

Perhaps the dream is also an indication that I am in fact about to ovulate? That it is time to get me pregnant? Though I am not aware of it, my subconscious may very well know what’s going on down there… But why on earth give me such an upsetting dream? Couldn’t it have been all nice and fluffy and positive? =) Though I gotta say, the orgy part of the dream was steaming hot! 😛

Oh heck, I don’t know anything. I am confused and nervous. Gaaah.

Great Gods, just pleeeeease make me pregnant!

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