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Archive for September, 2015

Who was this?

Never before have  I woke up screaming. But wait, I am getting ahead of myself, let me start from the beginning.

An hour ago or so I was half asleep, cuddled up with an absent husband’s pillow, enjoying those precious last minutes in bed. I was aware of drifting in and out of sleep, and when I felt someone crawling up on the bed next to me I was fully aware of it just being a dream. Still, it was so fragile, I knew that if I moved or turned to look I’d wake up and see no one. But I could feel her, and I wanted to savour the moment, so I stopped myself from waking up.

I could feel her, I wrote. Because it was a female presence. I didn’t dare turn my head to look, being so close to waking up, so I just kept entirely still, and listened. I could feel her weight against the bed, her hands on my legs. Her voice was gentle.

“It took me a while to find you. I had to look through a couple of generations.”

She was a heavy, comforting presence on the bed next to me. I don’t know why, the talk turned to the issue of children.

“… you did right. Waiting, you needed to mature first.”

But it wasn’t a choice, I protested, feeling tears well up in my eyes. I’ve tried. Her comforting presence started to withdraw, she said she wouldn’t come back for a good while.

She left, the warmth gone from the bed.

And then I heard someone entering the room. It surprised me, she said she wouldn’t be back for a long while after all, this had to be someone else.

Someone was watching me, and I heard a man’s voice.

“I like your–“

Hearing the strange voice, I flinched badly, looked towards the door and screamed. It tore me from the dream and plunged me back into reality, with a scream still leaving my throat. I saw no one, I was awake. But he had been there, I was sure.

Now, I still feel a bit… shaken up. I was dreaming, I know I was. But it felt so real, it felt like I was at the same time asleep and awake, resting inbetween.

Who was the male presence? He scared me, quite badly. What woman wouldn’t get terrified when a strange man suddenly walks into her bedroom when she is supposed to be alone? First time I’ve woken up with a scream.

I wonder who it was. Of course I wonder who She was too, who had searched through a couple of generations to find me. I hope it won’t take years and years before she returns, I would very much like to talk to her again.

Him, though. Who the heck was that?

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It was long overdue, the candle and offering I promised to Ochún. Finally I got to it, last night at the woodland shrine. I brought fresh water, sweet  dried apricots, a gorgeous golden peacock feather ornament, and a bright yellow candle. I was looking all over town for honey caramels, but found none. Next time.

All afternoon I had the rhythms of Ochún playing in my mind. I remembered the dance steps, my hips moved, my feet moved, my arms and hands moved.

Once I was there, at the shrine, and brought my offering to Her, it was beautiful but strangely silent. I felt humbled. I felt almost ashamed. Realization struck, why I have never entirely connected to Her. Why She always felt distant. I never felt myself good enough, beautiful enough, sexy enough.

Ochún, stand with me. I desperately need Your guidance. 

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