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Archive for July, 2015

Blood

I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. Shouldn’t have dared think that this time maybe I actually was pregnant. I felt hope.

Yesterday I started bleeding. If by any chance we did manage to conceive this weekend I think it’s safe to say it’s gone now. Been bleeding since yesterday. Not a whole lot but still. And I got mild stomach ache too.

So with this my mood dropped like a rock. While yesterday started well my emotions got the best of me in the evening. I cried. As I am crying right now. When everything went dark last night I ate whatever I had at home, so much for the fast. I miss my husband too, he is away for two weeks now so I am alone.

Where did the light go?

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Who am I?

I am a woman who just reached the age of thirty. I am married to a wonderful man, and so far childless.

I am Swedish and my roots are Swedish/Scandinavian as far back as I can so far trace them.

I am a highly creative person. I love to learn and explore new things, and wish I could live a hundred lifetimes just to have time to learn all I would want to learn. I am deeply emotional, but also rational. I have the mind of a scientist but also the mind of a philosopher.

My faith is my own and follows no rules. In matters of spirituality and faith I can’t be a follower. It is not in me. I am the pathfinder, the explorer. At times that will surely lead me astray but it is in my nature to search and find the way, not rely on others. I search, I learn.

My political views don’t quite fit the norm. I am neither right nor left, and I am both. There is no political party I can vote for with confidence because I see too many faults in all. I vote for those I believe will do the least amount of harm.

My sexuality is as much a part of me as the colour of my hair or skin. I am a brunette and my skin is pale, by the way. I think red hair is absolutely beautiful and in my eyes the most beautiful skin is the darkest of dark. But that matters not at all. Where was I? Sexuality, yes. I am straight. I sometimes have wished I was bisexual, because in my eyes that seems the most practical, but in truth it matters not at all. It’s just part of who we are.

I have suffered from depressions, several of them, and they will probably keep coming back. Right now I am climbing up from one that has lasted several years. They keep coming back and I just need to learn how to handle them.

I am an introvert. Shy and nervous. But also confident and strong. I am both. Those who know me as the quiet nervous mouse would probably not even recognize the other me, the strong me. The nervous and shy me, the one without confidence, is one riddled by anxiety and doubt. The me that lies beyond that is another.

I have many faults, too many to count. I have trouble finishing what I start, I break promises, I fail people I love, I fail myself. I am egoistic and lazy. I am ashamed of myself, I can’t bear the weight of my faults and so I run away. I hold grudges even though I know I shouldn’t. I envy those more skilled than me or more successful than me, but I would like to believe that the envy doesn’t control me. I just observe that it is there and work to not let it bother me.

I am genuinely interested in what people think. I care too much. I want to please everyone but I know I can’t, and that makes me give up early. I have few friends, and many friends, at the same time. I try to understand people. I try to help.

I love my husband. I wish I was a better wife, I wish I was more supportive. I wish I was less of a burden to him, as I know I am. I wish I could carry him as he carries me.

I love my mother. She frustrates me, makes me angry and we can barely meet without having a shouting match. But I love her nonetheless and it frustrates me most that I can not help her.

I love my friends. Even those I fail. Even those I run away from out of shame for my faults.

I am no follower. But I am no leader either. I am a pathfinder lost in the woods, leaving a track both for myself and for others. I am doomed to fail, often and sometimes seriously. But I must keep moving. Keep searching.

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After what I mentioned in the previous post I have decided to go for a partial fast where my diet will be limited but not reduced to nothing. Fruit, raw vegetables, berries, nuts, that I will still allow myself. In not too great amounts. To drink it’ll be water or tea. 7 days. Weirdly enough I am more worried about managing this for 7 days than if it had been a whole water fast, just because it is easier for me to not eat at all than it is to eat and then stop myself.

I expect tomorrow, the first day, to probably be the hardest. Just because it’s so, so easy to say to myself that I can always just cheat a little bit on the first day, who would know the difference? And I do have major issues with self discipline when it comes to food. Eating even just a little triggers such an immense response inside my brain (food addiction, for real, yes) but that is also part of why I do this. To challenge myself to take control. The positive health effects I have seen before when fasting are of course an important factor but the mental effect of taking control is incredibly important too.

Food addiction. It’s an eating disorder, I have been diagnosed with it but the help I could get was limited because my problem is neither bulimia nor anorexia, but just a food addiction. When I eat there is an immediate response inside me, it’s like a little explosion of pleasure inside my head that is just divine, and for a moment everything feels good. It’s more than just eating as a result of stress or the more typical mood related eating, it is an actual addiction. But where an alcoholic can stop drinking entirely, I can’t stop eating entirely. Not for more than a few days. Imagine the poor alcoholic who is forced to drink just a little each day? See why I fast? I don’t do it often, maybe once or twice a year, so don’t worry about me trying to starve myself. It’s just… taking control.

That and the actual physical effects as I have already mentioned. But still, I believe for me the psychological impact is probably most important.

Along with fasting I will strive to meditate each day, and to go for a walk each day (regardless of weather). I’ll update the blog once per day too and let you know how it is going (and to keep myself motivated).

And how am I feeling right now? I’m hungry. I have been unusually hungry all day. Isn’t that typical? Hungry, and a little nervous that the first thing I’ll do tomorrow when I get off work is give in and buy something tasty. *sigh* It is hard already. But I will do it.

Will write more tomorrow, now good night!

Oh, and one more thing. I know a lot of people think that fasting isn’t healthy or safe. If you are one of those, please refrain from critiquing the fast until I am done, please? During these seven days I will need to keep motivation up and not get tempted into quitting early. So, if you have any objections, save it for when my seven days are over, please!

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I think I need to change plans for the coming week. As I have written several times before I have been planning to do a seven day fast. Water fast, even. Now… Yesterday, I told you about the dream I had. The ghost children running towards us, running through me, into me. As it turned out (*cough* the husband realized it after sex *cough*) I was ovulating. And well… Seeing how we have been trying to get pregnant for five years without success… If we actually managed to conceive yesterday, I can’t risk fucking it up by not eating at all for a week. I don’t really dare hope but IF we finally managed, I just can’t risk the body freaking out going “aaah starvation time, abort, abort!”

So I am not doing a full water fast this coming week after all. Not right after ovulating when I maaaaybe maybe finally might have managed conceiving. If it turns out I am not pregnant I’ll do it another week, when it should be safe. If I am pregnant… well obviously I won’t be fasting then!

Since I have been preparing both mentally and physically for this coming fast though I don’t want to just skip it all. So I am considering options here. Maybe I’ll do a half fast? I’ll need think about it.

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I was outside, it was in the late evening and it was just starting to get dark. My husband was right there next to me, standing on a ladder up against the garage, working on something. As I looked out over the fields surrounding our house I saw something.

Little people. Like humans only much smaller, I thought. Shadow figures, two of them, holding hands as they made their way down a little slope. I wondered if they were land spirits.

The shadow figures came closer, started running across the field towards us. As they came closer I saw that they were children. A girl in a summer dress and her hair in two braids, and a little boy holding her hand. Three, maybe four years old? Ghost figures.

Amazed at the sight I crouched down to get down to their level and held out a hand towards them. They were smiling, running together towards our house as if coming home. Not noticing me, they ran straight through me.

I stood up and looked around. They were gone, I couldn’t see them any more. Happy and amazed I looked up at my husband and tried to explain. “Either I am not entirely awake and imagining things, or I just saw two ghosts!”

And then I woke up. The emotion was still happy and intense. I had to wake up the husband and tell him, and when I did my eyes grew moist.

My dreams are returning.

The husband told me that last night I had been talking in my sleep too. Haven’t done that in several years. I had been speaking English, almost arguing, being very assertive, but he couldn’t quite hear what I said. That must be coming back too.

I don’t quite dare hope that the dream was more than just my subconscious expressing how much I long for children so let’s not get into that. But it was beautiful.

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Both me and the husband had trouble sleeping last night. Once asleep we slept well but we were easily roused and both were up and very awake several times. At one point we suddenly heard one of the cats being in a fight right outside the window, it sounded serious and we ended up getting up and going out to check on things. Our two big furry cat-monsters had for some reason started fighting *sigh* and when outside I noticed the full moon. Ah. Well that might have something to do with our trouble sleeping.

A few words about my progress overall. I am still struggling to reconnect with my body, I still find myself strangely tense as soon as I don’t focus on relaxing, but still I am making progress. When I meditated last night I reached much further than in a long time, both awareness and relaxation went wonderfully. Perhaps the moon helped? I should start taking notice of the moon cycles again, that’s also something that dropped away during the years of darkness.

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