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Archive for June, 2015

I approached Odin in a different manner this time. Yes, for one thing I didn’t give Him sweet strawberries and cocoa, I gave him beer. What I said to Him I will not repeat here but it felt right.

So, I cast the runes. Three runes that together shaped an answer to the question Journey asked, and while I still haven’t heard back I feel strangely confident. Might still be entirely wrong, of course. But I don’t think so.

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One week to go before I venture into my 7 day fast. This week I will cut down on the food intake, try to keep it at around half of what I normally eat, to hopefully lessen the physical shock of suddenly not eating at all.

For yes, I strive for complete fasting, only drinking water and tea. And don’t worry, should I find that true hunger sets in and I really do need food I’ll of course break the fast early. It’s fasting, not starvation, after all. I’ll also be writing here daily to keep a record of the progress.

Still curious if anyone would like to join me for the experience! I would welcome a fasting buddy. x)

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Well now I am embarrassed.

I sat down to read the runes for another Journey, who was kind to let me practice with a runic reading for her.

I am sorry, Journey. I don’t have an answer yet. *shuffles awkwardly*

I sat down, lit Odin’s candle and asked for his presence and guidance. I am just learning to understand the runes, and I asked as humbly as I could for his help.

The offerings I brought to him were all wrong, I felt it the moment I put them down. Taking simply what I myself thought tasted nice, and not really thinking about what HE would like… I gave him strawberries. And cocoa. And dried dates.

Yes, I am embarrassed now. As I offered the oh so sweet food it felt as though I could hear him.

Beer. Sausages. Beer. Offer me what you would have offered your man. Beer. 

I stared at the strawberries and I quite possibly blushed. It was so silly, all wrong.

I am a MAN.

Beer and sausages, I promised him. I’m sorry, I will bring you beer and sausages next time. A vague sense of amusement trickled my way but I carried on.

I cast the runes. All while I was doing it, a deer stood maybe 30 meters away from me, barking like crazy. I cast the runes. Gibberish. It didn’t make sense. I don’t think I have ever cast the runes and so clearly felt that it didn’t mean anything.

That vague amusement.

Beer.

*sigh* I will need offer him beer. Beer and that particular kind of sausage that my husband likes. I feel silly now, I am sorry Odin. I knew it as soon as I pulled the strawberries out of the fridge, that it wasn’t what you wanted, but lazy me couldn’t be arsed with getting something else. Thank you, though, for being there. I felt your presence, and that means more to me than whether or not I could manage to read the runes or not.

Journey, I will try to answer your question as soon as I have brought Odin some proper offerings!

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Today, when I woke up, I finally realized. I realized it even before I was entirely out of sleep, I was still only half conscious, but it was as clear as day.

When I fell away from my path, my mind ventured into the darkness of depression, I didn’t just lose touch with my Self – my inner me. I lost touch with the outer me, the physical me too. The connection between the inner me and the outer me broke.

The consequences of this wounded connection has been obvious, I just never understood the reason behind it before. I remember so clearly the first symptom, it took me by surprise.

I started clenching and grinding my teeth in my sleep. Never did that before. But suddenly I would wake up with jaws sore from the strain.

I lost hair. I’ve always had thick, healthy hair, suddenly it was growing thinner.

I stopped remembering my dreams. The dreams, that always had been so immensely important to me.

I suddenly lost all the joy of moving, exercising and being physically active. It seemed so strangely pointless.

I lost all control of my eating.

My menstruation has fucked up, the cycle going completely topsy turvy, and after five years I still have not managed to get pregnant despite there being both eggs and healthy sperm in place.

I found myself absentmindedly biting my lips until they bled, or scratching my scalp until the skin broke.

I lost touch with my sexuality. Physical experiences suddenly gave me, well almost nothing. Only mental stimulation could turn me on, it was as if the physical just didn’t affect me as before. Orgasms became rare.

I found myself physically tense. I marvelled over this just recently in a blog post if you remember, I talked about how strangely my muscles turn tense as soon as I do not actively focus on relaxing that part of my body. It takes only seconds, as soon as I am no longer focusing on relaxing a muscle it immediately turns tense again.

When I was still half asleep this morning, truth dawned on me. The connection between the two sides of me, the physical and the non-physical, is wounded.

As I lay there in bed I tried to start the process of reclaiming my body. Took control of the left big to, felt myself aware in it, told myself that I am there, in that toe. Next toe. Next toe. The rest of the foot, the ankle.

While I slowly, slowly reclaimed my left foot and leg I became aware of the rest of my body straining, ridiculously tense. So I went on. Slowly worked to reclaim the other foot too. Calves. Knees. Thighs. Buttox. Here it started getting trickier. Not as easy keeping control of my feet when my awareness was raisin higher up through my body, my feet wanted to grow tense again as soon as I “left” them.

Slowly, slowly I struggled to go through body part after body part, consciously trying to reclaim my own body. It was hard. This is not a wound I can mend by a quick fix of positive thinking. I need to regrow the connection between body and mind, mend myself.

As I lay there, it dawned on me that my husband had woken up next to me. Still silent but awake, he gently nudged me with a toe. I turned towards him and we kissed. As clear as day could I see, feel, what I had missed. Without having been connected to my own body, I could not appreciate his body either, I could not enjoy his touch. That lack of sexual enjoyment the last few years suddenly made sense.

We kissed slowly, I took my time to taste and enjoy his lips and his tongue, like I used to. The sensation was stunning. He touched me, and I could feel his touch again. I touched him and I felt him, he was really there. 

Still, the wound was not so easily mended. We kissed, we touched, I tasted him, he tasted me, we enjoyed each other. I enjoyed it, experienced it more than I have for several years, but still not quite there yet. I could still feel myself strangely absent from my own body. Feeling the touch but not… quite feeling it. Just like my feet would turn tense as soon as my awareness turned to another body part, the slightest distraction could make me lose touch.

Even though I am not quite there yet, it was intense. I finally saw what I have been missing, with body and mind disconnected. I haven’t been whole. I still am not.

Yes, I am wounded. But I can heal, I must heal. I can not live a half person, a fractured scrap of an individual. Body and mind must become one.

But now I can work on it. I will reclaim my body. I must.

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Fasting time

I just decided. It is time for another fast. A couple of months ago I had a shorter fast of three days, but I want to try a full week now.

I don’t think fasting is for everyone, absolutely not. But for me personally, it has in the past only had positive effects apart from a very temporary weakness.

Unless something pops up in my schedule that changes things, I’ll aim at starting the 7 day fast on the 6th of July. I’ll start preparing already now by cutting down just a bit on the food, and more importantly preparing mentally.

7 days.

Anyone want to join me for this? A fasting friend would be interesting, never had that before.

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Would you be willing to help me learn and develop, by letting me read the runes for you regarding a specific issue? 

Yes, that means I am offering divination services. No, it does not mean I can claim to be competent.

It means I am learning and expect to get it wrong as often as I get it right, but I am at the point where I just need more experience to improve.

Why do I at all believe I can do this?

While I am not particularly experienced in divination, I do have a history of spontaneous precognition as well as a strong urge to further develop a connection with the spiritual realm. I have had promising experiences in the past and it feels right, I just need practice.

What am I looking for here?

Anyone willing to let me read the runes for them in answer of a question. Not too specific – I really am not at the level where I could point out where you forgot your keys, no. Not too wide a question either though, if any answer is as true as the next well then it won’t really work. Because what I humbly ask is for your feedback afterwards. Did I get it right? What did I get wrong? Did anything strike you as especially noteworthy? I am learning here, and I will need that feedback.

Will I tell the world about it?

I won’t tell a soul who has asked what, or anything specific. Might say something here on the blog about how I am progressing but nothing that can be tied to you specicially unless you clearly state it’s alright for me to post some interesting detail.

What kind of question again?

Not names and numbers. That means no lottery numbers, phone numbers or the name of your beloved pet. I am just not equipped to pick up that specific information (yet?).

If it regards the future, please have it be the NEAR future, such as next week. Otherwise it’ll just be damn hard to get feedback while it is still relevant.

Not Yes/No questions. Call me ignorant but I still just have not found a good way to handle such with the runes.

Alright, how?

Leave me a message, let me know you are interested and I will get back to you asap. You can reach me at journeymaid.@gmail.com or just write me here on the blog!

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This was interesting! Would love to see further discussion on this topic, including hearing from those that don’t agree.

Magick From Scratch

11140123_10153135382268705_6716534346276535975_nAs I am watching people crawl out of the woodworks,voicing their support for a theology of consent in the Polytheist community, a question has come up.

“This is all well and good, but how do we make the gods participate?”

For those of us, who, like me, certainly couldn’t just willa harmful manifestation of deity away with positive-thinking and pixie-dust, what is the actual path forward?

It’s hard to say for sure. While there are a sizable number of people with experiences similar to mine, where a deity was simply intent on grinding the mortal in question into the dirt until they relented, there is precious little, right now, being said about how to compassionately respond to the suffering of people going through something like this. There is even less being said about how to make it stop.I can’t answer this question all by myself, but I have some…

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