Archive for May, 2015

I have cried a lot today. But for once, they weren’t tears of empty despair. I actually felt hope. I have been feeling, and seeing, a side of me and a side of life that I have not felt for years. And for the first time in what feels like an eternity I am hopeful.

I have also been looking into my past, looking into what I have done, seen and experienced. And I wonder how I could so quickly forget. It is though I have shut myself up, stopped parts of me from thinking, from existing. I haven’t dared think. I have hated myself, and haven’t dared feel.

During these years I have also learned a great many things, and while I have lost friends I have also gained friends, that I dearly hope will stay with me even as I venture back into who I was, or rather who I am. Friends that I love, that I probably would never have gotten to know if I hadn’t strayed down this darker path.

Today I also bled, again. For no, years have passed and we still have not gotten pregnant. Apart from the pain, mind numbing as always, I felt alright. I don’t feel much of that terrible disappointment any more when the period comes, for I have stopped hoping, stopped believing it will suddenly happen. It won’t on its own.

Lastly, a short note on my valiant efforts to meditate. Yesterday I wrote about how now, after having been away from any and all spiritual practices for so long, I experience terrible trouble in even making my body relax. It went a little better last night than the night before, I think. I did manage to relax, the problem was that ten, fifteen seconds after, as soon as my mind strayed, I would find my muscles equally tense yet again. So instead of having this calm, soothing wave of relaxation pass through me as before, I could only send it as a pulse. Relax. And the muscles relaxed. And the muscles turned tense again, seconds later. Relax. I would tell my body again. And it relaxed. Only to turn tense again the moment my mind wandered. Relax. Strangely enough this pulsating relaxation was not as stressful as it sounds, for it was still progress compared to the night before.

I will try again tonight, and I will write again tomorrow. Until then, good night.

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It has been ages since I wrote something here. While some things have been great since you last heard from me, a lot of things have been… not so good. I’ve been struggling, I’ve fallen and I’ve reached low points I don’t event want to think about.

I meditated for the first time in forever the other night. I tried to do as I have always done in the past, mentally going through each body part, telling it to relax. Usually it has meant a slow mental check of my body, go through piece by piece, feeling it, being aware of it, and then letting it drop away from attention and pleasantly fade away as I move on. This time, after so long, I struggled to even get through my left little toe.

Not kidding. I sat forever just trying to go through and release even the first little part of me.

Life has been hard. Somehow it does feel like I have turned a new leaf and I hope that I am starting to get back to who I was, who I am. Perhaps this, writing here, is a sign of that. I haven’t really allowed myself to be spiritual all this time. Haven’t wanted to feel or think. Haven’t wanted to be me.

I am trying. Trying to find myself again. Trying to get stronger again.

And now I am going to sit down and try again to meditate. And pray to come further than just the left little toe.

If you read this, and have even the slightest little sliver of positive energy to send me, please do. And thank you for reading.

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