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Archive for April, 2012

When I came home yesterday I walked by a man working on the grounds surrounding our apartment. He had cut down a hedge and had piled it all up on a cart, to be driven off and discarded. It was just around the corner from my home, and as I walked past him I smiled and said “hi”. He smiled right back at me. Internally all I could think of was how much I wanted him to clear away the pile of branches laying in out garden (the pile even contained the remnants of a christmas tree!), right in front of our porch…

For an instance I imagined myself asking him to do so, but of course it was just out of the question. It’s our garden, it’s our mess, our responsibility!

As me and my hubby went out a couple of hours later we stopped short right outside the door. The pile of branches along with the dead christmas tree – all gone. For  a moment we just stood there and stared! =)

I wonder if I inadvertently projected my wish to that man, telepathically. Or if it was a case of “ask and you shall receive”, courtesy of the gods or the universe or whatever. Or if that man in fact is naturally sensitive which made him pick up on my thoughts?

I don’t know, perhaps it was a mix of all those alternatives. What I can say is, when I think back on what I was thinking as I walked by the man, without really reflecting on it I formulated my wish clearly, as if I had actually spoken the words. In a super short flash of time I imagined myself asking him to please clear away our pile of branches as well. I don’t know why, but I tend to do that, almost as a test of how a certain conversation might play out before actually saying anything out loud.

Anyhow, I’m glad to have gotten rid of the trash. So to whoever you are, thank you for doing me that favor!

Love and light!

/Journeymaid

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Hey guys! I’m sorry I haven’t written in a while, but getting back to work has more or less consumed all of my energy. Last week I began with two hours of work per day, this week I’m up at 4 h/day. It’s still hard, but every day is a little better than the previous.

Today was an unusually good day, with beautiful weather and a good mood. Plus I got into a really interesting conversation with one of my work mates, that I haven’t really chatted with before.

We started talking about religion, first from a historical viewpoint and then from a more personal view. It turned out he’s a devout muslim, and as I asked if it was ok to ask openly about his faith he got real happy. So I asked about how he found his religion (since he hadn’t been raised religous), what he thinks of other religions, what he thinks of fundamentalists and so on. Throughout the discussion I also explained what I think, and we found both differences and similarities in how we think.

Oh how I wish that all islamophobes could have such a conversation! This guy is pretty conservative in his faith, yes. But as he pointed out to me, the Koran says you shall not judge people of different faith. So even though he got momentarily stunned when I said that I am actually a polytheist (that was a fun moment, he really didn’t see that one coming!) he totally accepted my faith. Yeah sure, he still thinks I’m wrong and the Koran is right, but that’s ok. Mutual respect is the shit! =)

Actually, this was the best conversation I’ve had with anyone at work.  Though I’ve considered myself reasonably knowledgeable of different religions, I’ve never before had such an open religious discussion with a muslim. And yes, the  whole thing strengthened that which I’ve thought for years: Islam is not bad. Not at all. As in all other religions there are some assholes who mess things up for the rest, but if you look at what the Koran actually says, it’s actually very accepting. Yeah sure, muslims will generally think that you are in the wrong, if you are of a different faith. But if they are good muslims, they won’t judge you for it. And that’s really all you can ask for, right? For of course it’s ok to think your own religion is the true one. I think my spiritual path is true as well, otherwise none of it would matter.It’s all good, as long as there is mutual respect.

In the end, we agreed to something very important. We are just humans, we don’t see the full picture and we really can’t claim to know the truth. None of us can claim to know the truth, so we should always be humble. There is no point in forcing your faith on others, all must find their own way.

Love and light to you all!

Journeymaid

 

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I wonder… does this happen just to me or is it a common thing? Does anyone know why or how it happens?

Ok, let’s back up. Here’s what I’ve noticed:

When I practice mindfulness my body temperature seems to rise. Or at least, I feel as though I am getting hotter. After a couple of minutes I am sweating, though I am not physically active.

At first,I wondered if I was tensing up somehow and that was what caused the heat. But no, it happens even if I’m making sure my muscles are relaxed. Plus it doesn’t matter if I’m standing up, walking or sitting down. Since I am not yet accustomed to being this focused, I do feel like I am working my brain… like what I have always felt when deep in studies or academic pursuits, trying to firgure something out… only now I am focusing on mundane everyday tasks and attempting to hold all my attention at what I’m doing. 

The difference is, when working on problem solving or studying I never get this hot. Strange…

Btw, I should mention that such questions that arise are not something I give any energy while actually in the moment, so to say. It’s the same with my previous notes on the weird-visions-stuff I’ve been getting, it’s not something I think about while in the “zone” of mindfulness. No of course, while experiencing I just experience and observe. If I get curious I leave any questions or thoughts for later. =)

 

Other than that, I’ve had a couple of rough days mentally and physically. The day before yesterday I made a diet mistake (eating yummy but oh so fatty bacon pancakes) for which I paid dearly the night after as well as yesterday. At least my body seems to have become accustomed to healthy food, I just gotta remember not to upset the system with nasty stuff. Hopefully I’ll start working again next week, starting with just a couple of hours each day and then increasing week after week. 

Getting back to work is crazy scary and I tend to get all panicky from the thought. But still, not getting back to work is even MORE scary and since I don’t want to mess up our house-building-and-bank loan-plans I know that I gotta make it work. Yup, it’s make-it-work time.

I probably shouldn’t mention the pregnancy thingy. I should really stop thinking about it so much. But how the hell can I not think about it?! Within a week we should know if the insemination was successful or not. I might be pregnant right now. Or I might not be. Anyhow, I am getting super frustrated at my dear friends, who already are pregnant, and therefore seem to think they know everything. They think they know how I feel, they think they know how I think and what I should do, and they get this compassionate look in their eyes, feeling sorry for me yet being super pleased with their own situation. I love my friends, don’t get me wrong, and I know they only mean well. But if I get one more “try not to think about it, you’ll get pregnant eventually” I think I’ll scream. And please, please don’t tell me I should work on my mental health first, before worrying about getting pregnant, when a major part of my depression is due to not getting pregnant. For crying out loud, both my doctor AND my shrink says I should probably be ok as soon as I manage to get pregnant. So no, I will not wait with the pregnancy thing until I’ve gotten rid of the depression, cuz then I’ll be waiting forever. 

*and breathe…*

Love and light!

/Journeymaid

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Two weeks ago, as me and hubby were out working on our little patch of land, we lost our camera. Oh nooo! I politely asked the land spirits to help me find it again. And, I added, I need to find it right away. After all, if the camera was left outside for too long it wouldn’t actually work any more…

As I paced around the land looking for the camera, I got the feeling some kind of land spirit or mischievous gnome or something was playing tricks on us, and had taken the camera just for fun.

I asked politely to get the camera back right away and promised to bring offerings if I found it.

I didn’t find the camera. Not that day. No, we found it yesterday.

It had laid outside in the mud for two weeks. There had been warm and sunny, then rainy and windy, then snowy and really cold. And guess what… the camera is all right. We could turn it on immediately and once it had dried up a bit everything looked fine, pics look great and it’s just as it was before we lost it.

Huh. Amazing! So much for me telling the land spirits I needed to find the camera right away or it wouldn’t survive!

Methinks I should bring a little offering next time we go out there and say thank you for returning our camera INTACT and fully functional (but please don’t do it again, please?)!

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So I had a really had day yesterday. Or rather, a very good and pleasant day turned into a very bad evening. Ended up crying lika a baby for hours in a weirdo painful semi-anxiety attack. 

I had just finished sewing a pretty grey blouse and I was so happy with the result. The pattern I had made myself, and it fit perfectly. Plus it only took a couple of hour to make.

I had done some housework and enjoyed both the result and the actual work. Plus my hubby worked from home, which is very unusual, which made me so happy.

I was full of energy, creativity and joy. 

Thinking I wanted to take some good pics of the grey blouse I’d made, I got myself generally dolled up with nice make up and pretty dangling earrings, the blouse with a wide belt over it, and a long black skirt. And I dragged hubby outside to take some pics.

We came in again and I downloaded the pics to my computor. 

The pics were horrible. I looked like a stranded whale. Partially one can blame it on hubby, who’s a lousy photographer and doesn’t actually look at the pics he’s taking, so the angles are terribly unflattering and all. But even if you disregard all that, I still looked terrible.

After that I was left with one single thought in my mind: I have to stop thinking I look good, cuz every time I see myself in a photo I get such a shock. I must remember that I look like a fat-ass walrus, never ever think I look pretty, and for fuck’s sake, don’t let anyone see me. I should just go hide in a hole or start wearing a burka so that the world cannot see me. And pity my husband who’s got such an ugly wife.

Great, now I’m crying again. Fuck. 

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I am a chronic multitasker.

This I have realized as I’ve begun to work on being mindful and aware of there here and now. Multitasking to me comes as natural as breathing. I used to think this was a good thing, but now I realize that I’ve been living in an illusion.

What does it really mean to multitask?

A simple answer would be “two do several things at the same time, such as watching tv and knitting simultaneously”.

And isn’t that practical? On the surface, yes. But what it’s really all about is splitting your attention. Or perhaps even splitting your self.

Multitasking isn’t just about doing stuff simultaneously. I’ve finally realized, by close observation of myself, that I usually walk around with my mind detached from reality.

You know the type, I’m sure. Walking around with her head in the clouds, forgetful yet creative, always coming up with ideas and always in the middle of some fantasy… Yeah, that’s me. And to be honest, until recently I wanted it to stay like that.

But what I’ve come to realize is that by (almost) never being aware and present in the here and now, I’ve missed experiencing reality. Now, I am trying to change that.

Even considering spirituality, this has opened new doors for me and I’m finally learning to understand. Before, I thought that paying to close attention to the physical world around us was detrimental to spirituality, thinking that one would sort of close off the mind from meta-physical experiences by focusing on the mundane.

But now I understand but it’s actually the other way around. By being locked in thoughts and fantasies and not really being aware of reality, you’ll most likely miss most of the meta-physical messages/experiences. Why? Because the spiritual, the meta-physical, is a part of reality while your fantasies are not.

It’s just like the weirdo powerful spirit presence told me when I was a kid: “You can do anything, if you learn to be completely aware at all times.”

Back then I was just a kid and didn’t understand what that truly meant, I didn’t wanna give up my constant stream of fantasies, so I decided not to even try this awareness thing.

But it’s not like this awareness thing is about experiencing the supernatural, no. That’s just a cool side effect. =) And yes, since I’ve started working on being mindful (which is surprisingly hard!) I’ve had a dramatic increase in meta-physical encounters (each one may seem small and insignificant, but none the less awsome). Which is why I am writing this, totally amazed by the whole thing.

Yet, I gotta say being aware/mindful is hard work. Especially when one has spent years and years multitasking. I think the simplest way is to focus on a single task. Like right now, I am writing this text. I am aware of how my fingers move across the laptop and the only thing happening in my mind is that inner voice reading out what I am about to write down, a millisecond or so before. I try to also be aware of my breathing, how I am sitting, how the room looks around me etc etc, but I gotta say I’m not really there yet. For you see, as soon as I notice my breathing I drop the focus and temporarily forget to be mindful of the writing.

It’s hard. But I am learning. And I try not to expect too much, but to start slow. So right now, it’s ok to only be aware of one thing at a time. But then I gotta stay with it, and not get distracted by the multitude of thoughts just waiting to ambush me. Stay with it. And if I wanna change focus, then go ahead. But be aware of the change, be mindful of what’s going on.

I would have thought it easy to focus on only one thing at a time. Oh, how wrong I was!

 

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Runic divination: April

What will be the main features of april, the month to come?

Tiwaz – Success, victory.

It’s not the reverse (which could indicate a continued mental blockage)? Could you please clarify?

Eihwaz – Strength, dependability.

In what part of life does this concern? (personal/professional/health/home/fertility etc)

Othala / Hagalaz – home, family / natural forces

(I did not draw two runes on purpose, it just kinda happened.)

What will be my biggest challenge in the coming month, april? 

Raidho – journey, change

In what part of life will this change be? 

Nauthiz – restrictions, difficulties

What should I stay away from/watch out for in april?

Uruz – physical strength, tenacity, action, energy

What should I focus on in the coming month, to help my husband feel well/be healthy?

Perthro – the feminine, fertility, the future

 

 

So… if I have read this correctly…

What will be the main features of april, the month to come?

Success!

It’s not the reverse (which could indicate a continued mental blockage)? Could you please clarify?

Have some faith, you can trust it!

In what part of life does this concern? (personal/professional/health/home/fertility etc)

It’s about the home and family, as well as the powers of nature.

What will be my biggest challenge in the coming month, april? 

There will be a great change, a journey to embark on.

In what part of life will this change be? (I gotta say, a big part of me didn’t wanna ask this question, didn’t wanna draw the rune. Don’t know if it was because I’m scared of the answer, or if I really shouldn’t have asked in the first place, if I’m not supposed to know…)

(Since Nauthiz always seem to represent anxiety and depression for me, I can’t disregard it here.)

The great change has to do with your mental health and the depression you’ve gone through. It will take a new direction and change, for good or bad.

What should I stay away from/watch out for in april?

Take care not to take on too much and overestimate your strength and energy!

What should I focus on in the coming month, to help my husband feel well/be healthy? (Since he’s been feeling progressively worse, due to stress and high expectations.)

Focus on the feminine. (Be it the biological feminine OR the socio-traditional feminine!) 

 

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