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Archive for March, 2012

Yesterday it happened again; I got a little visit from a spirit cat.

We were in the kitchen, both me and hubby. Our two cats where also there, asking for food (duh, of course they were!). I crouched down to look into the great big bottle of mead, fermenting like crazy.

A cat brushed up against my lower back, I could feel the oh so soft and silky fur against the exposed skin between the skirt and sweater.

My reaction was to make one of those cute noises that humans usually do when around babies or animals, while stretching out my left arm to pet the cat yet still keeping my eyes on the mead. When my hand couldn’t actually find anything I turned around.

To my surprise, there was no cat there. C was sitting on the kitchen table looking at me with sparkling eyes, and B wasn’t even in the room any more.

About 2 seconds passed between the cat brushing against me, and me turning around to look. No way either C or B could have moved away that quickly without making a sound. And hubby was on the opposite side of the kitchen table, no way it could have been him. Besides, he’s not that furry… 😛

I’m pretty sure this was a spirit cat. Perhaps my dear old friend Ronja, who died just a couple of years ago. Since she died there have been a couple of these instances, when I seem to get visited by a non-physical cat. Since I never got those types of visits before she died, I’m guessing the visitor is actually her. Dear Ronja, coming to check up on my now or then?

 

 

 

 

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Right now, I’m so damn nervous I almost feel like puking.

I’ve been taking ovulation tests each morning to determine when it’s time to get over to the clinic for insemination. Today, the test result was positive. I think. Maybe.

If you’ve never taken these kinds of tests yourself, here’s how it works. You pee in a bowl and then soak one end of the stick for 15 sec. Then you wait a couple of minutes. A control line always appears. Then there is a second line, that may or may not appear. If the second line is equal to the control line, or stronger, then you’ll be ovulating in a day or two. Add to that the fact that some women never get as strong results as others.

The result I got today was annoyingly unclear. The test line was aaaaaalmost as strong as the control line. In some parts, the line was as strong as the control. In other parts, it was slightly weaker.

So what do I do? Wait another day? Well then we might be too late and will have to wait yet another month. If we go ahead with the procedure at the wrong instance we’ll have wasted 3000 kr (= 450 US dollars). Huh.

So I called the clinic and described the test result. The nurse said I really should have bought the other kind of tests, where you get a simple yes/no answer. It’s just that those kinds of tests are way more expensive (ca 250, which is ca 37 US dollars per week), and since my cycle is highy irregular I have to keep taking these tests for much longer than most women. And since I am currently absent from work due to depression I really don’t want to strain our economy more than necessary.

In the end, the nurse thought it sounded like a positive test and thus we’ll run over for insemination tomorrow.  By the gods, I am nervous! Not of the actual procedure, or of the result thereof, but of having failed to read the test correctly. Scares the shit out of me, actually. Way more than it should, but I guess it’s all part of my general fear of failing in any way (hence the depression).

Plus, I actually got a similar result on a test just a week ago, and then we though it was probably a negative. The days following the test results were all clearly negative, and then today, the test line is up to borderline positive again. What the heck… I don’t know anything! I don’t want to be wrong, I don’t want to miss a chance to get pregnant, I don’t want to waste our money! And I really really really really really want the insemination to work. I want a child.

Btw, I had a pretty interesting dream last night which may or may not be connected to the whole ovulation question. In the dream, I found myself in somewhat of an orgy. Yeah, uhu!

Unfortunately my husband wasn’t actually one of the participants. But in the dream I was so far gone into some sexual craze that I neither noticed nor cared. It wasn’t until afterwards that my mind sort-of remembered reality and started worrying. Was it perhaps time for my ovulation? Could I accidentally be pregnant with another man after this? That got me very upset. Funny how dreams work… in that world, sex with those other men wasn’t actually cheating, as me and my hubby had some sort of understanding that pure sex with others was ok. (Which it sure as hell isn’t irl! I would never go off and have sex with others without my hubby, no way! It’s not even tempting!) But even in the dream, I could not imagine another man fathering my child.

You bet I was soooo relieved when I woke up and realized that it was all a dream!

Perhaps the dream is also an indication that I am in fact about to ovulate? That it is time to get me pregnant? Though I am not aware of it, my subconscious may very well know what’s going on down there… But why on earth give me such an upsetting dream? Couldn’t it have been all nice and fluffy and positive? =) Though I gotta say, the orgy part of the dream was steaming hot! 😛

Oh heck, I don’t know anything. I am confused and nervous. Gaaah.

Great Gods, just pleeeeease make me pregnant!

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Still working hard on being mindful. Some days it comes pretty easy. Yesterday was not such a day. 

The night before my husband let slip a comment which, despite being said without ill intent, hit me hard. It knocked me out of my happy place and made me feel like crap.

What really surprises me is how such a small thing could mess me up. As I awoke the morning after I felt really sad, and for the rest of the day I struggled with anxiety. I still feel just a hint of it, nagging at my edges.

It feels like that comment punched a tiny hole, and that hole let the darkness in. My defenses are still so thin the tiniest pebble of negativity seems to break through. And as soon as there is a crack, more darkness gets sucked in. Darkness that really has nothing to do with the pebble that came first.

Moving on.

We’ve continued to work on our little piece of land, preparing it for the day when we can start building (we’re just waiting for the legal stuff to go through!). In other words, we’ve been working our asses of gathering brushwood from the ground into large piles. And with ‘brushwood’ I mean everything from tiny branches to small trees to four meters of rotten timber, that was covering the ground. So far we’ve gathered 10-12 piles, each pile being ca 1,50 m tall and 2-3 m wide. Yeah, that’s a lot. My body is covered in tiny bruises where the sticks have poked me. My muscles are constantly sore. And I love it.

Being outside in the gorgeous spring weather, AND working hard with my body, AND bonding with the piece of land that already feels like home? It’s marvellous. For the last two weeks, me and hubby have gone out there as often as possible, we can hardly stay away…

Unfortunately we lost our camera there this weekend. None of us understand how it happened, but it’s just gone. =( As we were looking for it I asked the land spirits to please help me find the camera, I even promised them to bring offerings next time if they just helped… but no, I didn’t find it. Somehow, I couldn’t get passed the feeling that the whole thing was a prank, done by some naughty little being. 

Me and hubby are also planning to light a great big bonfire on Valborg, together with our friends (if they want to join us!). If all goes according to plan we’ll  hold a spring blĂłt  and then stay over night (in tents). BUT it all depends on one thing: the weather. If it’s too rainy and cold it would be just too nasty plus no one would wanna join us. If it’s too dry and windy we wont be able to light the fire, since we have no good source of water out there and we must not let the fire spread. So if I could ask for the perfect weather conditions I’d order really lots and lots of rain the days before, and then sunny warm weather on the actual day. =) Please?

Oh well. I think it’s time for me to center myself in meditation and try to strengthen my shields, and then do some house work. I’ve said it before and I say it again – I’m amazed how quickly cleaning has become a calming and strengthening activity for me. It helps me stay focused and calm… plus it’s always nicer to have a clean home, right?! =)

Love and light!
Journeymaid 

 

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Hera.

Her name popped up in my mind last night. I blinked, shook my head, and wondered why. I have never ever felt myself drawn to Hellenistic deities.

Hera.

I got confused. I hadn’t been reading about her, or hearing about her, or anything. In fact my mind mainly associates her with that silly old Hercules tv-show, in which Hera is portrayed as all evil and nasty, murdering innocents.

Then why the heck did I suddenly feel a pull towards her? A need to acknowledge her and bring offerings.

I jumped up from the couch and immediately prepared a small offering of pineapple and a bit of home baked bread. I looked for a candle but couldn’t find any that hadn’t already been lit, and it didn’t feel right to let Hera share a candle with others, at least not at first contact. So no candle, ok that would have to do.

I sat down on my usual spot on the living room floor, centered myself, and called out to Hera. I gave my offering. I told her about the surprise and confusion I experienced, not knowing why I suddenly had felt compelled to acknowledge her. I asked her to bless me and my family, bless my marriage and help us get pregnant.

That’s all. Afterwards I felt calm but still a bit surprised at the whole thing. =)

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As most of you know, I’ve been struggling with depression (as so many in the pagan/heathen/polytheistic world, interestingly!). For the last couple of days I’ve focused a whole lot on mindfulness, with pretty good result. I am working on my focus, noticing both myself and the surrounding world. Especially, this means trying to do one thing at a time.

Whoa. Tough one.

I’m a natural multitasker. Even now, this very moment, I can’t really choose between watching tv and writing this blog post, so I’m doing both. Sigh.

Aaaanyhow, except for this very moment I’ve been trying to focus on one thing at a time, practicing my focus and attention. Noticing each breath, noticing the sunlight on my face, noticing the smell of fresh air…

I’ve also been doing a lot of housework. Since many years back I’ve had huge problems with cleaning, tidying up, doing the dishes and stuff. It’s along story, but yeah I’ve been almost phobic and absolutely terrified of it. But now I find things different. I’ve been able to do housework just for the sake of doing it. Slowly, one small piece at a time, being completely focused on each movement, I’ve been able to do housework without getting the usual anxiety attacks. As a matter of fact, it has actually made me feel better and more at ease. It’s almost a form of meditation, though I find it hard to explain why and how…

So our home is now unusually clean, and I am unusually calm. Outside the weather is warm and sunny. And tonight is the New Moon, yay!

Btw, these past few days have seen another development as well. While meditating, and also in the small space between sleep and waking, I’ve been seeing things. Faces. Sometimes just parts of faces, like an eye or a mouth. Short glimpses, following one after the other, so much clearer and more vivid than what I usually see internally.

Most striking was when I looked at my hubby’s sleeping face one night. It was dark, , yet on top of his shadowy features  I saw images emerging clear as day. Faces, moving and smiling, with muted color, projected onto my husband’s sleeping body.

It was all so curious that I just lay there, watching the faces and wondering what it all meant. I may or may not have been fully awake, it doesn’t really matter. Since then similar images have appeared several times, and I’m wondering if it may be a positive side effect of my recent mindfulness training. Or what do you think?

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Creepy Catty Encounter

Something interesting just happened while we were outside walking our cats. Where we live now it’s not at all practical to let them out on their own, so we use leashes which actually works really well. Anyhow, I was holding Balthazar. He’s a very strong AND strong-minded cat who is more than a little bossy. He’s the kind of cat that loves walking up to unsuspecting dogs and freaking them out by kissing them right on the nose. =)

Now, quite a lot of people had walked by without Balthazar reacting any more than oh-well-there’s-another-human. But then all of the sudden, there was this one guy that walked by. A teenage boy of perhaps 17-18 yrs old, no different from the other boys who had also passed us, wearing a hoodie and a baseball cap, just like everyone else. He walked neatly with his hands in his pockets, without making any noise or behaving differently in any way.

Balthazar gave the guy one look, and was terrified. Wild-eyed, he ran homewards and refused to calm down no matter what I said. He dragged me all the way home (really dragged me, he’s a really strong cat and pulled quite hard on the leash!) and it wasn’t until we arrived on our doorstep that he looked up on me. His eyes were filled of fear.

Now that we’re inside, he’s ok again. It was just the first minute or two that he was still a bit on edge, so to say.

There was something about that teen that scared the crap out of Balthazar, the otherwise oh so brave and strong cat. There was absolutely nothing unusual about this kid that regular humans could pick up, and I probably wouldn’t have noticed anything unless B had reacted the way he did, but I am completely sure that something was really wrong.

I think there was an aggressive energy oozing from that teenage boy. Not just the normal teen rebellious type, but more serious. Something dangerous. It felt like violence.

Oh, how I long for the day we can move out of this neighborhood!

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Good morning everyone! Seems like spring starts off with a bang, going from cold and snowy to sunny and warm(er) weather. Yay spring!

As you all know, yesterday was the spring equinox. It was a good day. Really, a very good day. I started off by doing some tidying up at home. Then I moved outside and did some “tidying up” in the nearby forest. It always upsets me to see the amount of trash that just lies around…

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As I was snapping this last photo my mom called, asking if she could come over. And so an hour later she dropped bye, and we had a great time together (unusually good actually!).

After mom left I got creative and made this earring hanger thingy. These things have been laying around in jewelry boxes, all entangled and messy, some have gotten lost and well, it’s been terribly irritating. So here we go, no more mess!

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I made it out of scrap material. The base is a piece of cardboard. The shiny white fabric covering it comes from a slinky nightgown that I bought cheep and that never actually fit, so it’s just been laying around. The black what-you-call-it at the bottom is from another piece of lingerie that also had a bad fit. The blue wobbly ribbons that are oh so practical for hanging hooks on are left overs from a sewing project a couple of years ago. The white ribbons it hangs from are the shoulder straps from the white nightgown.

This pretty much sums up what I think about do-redo or salvage philosophy. We need to stop throwing stuff away indiscriminately, and start seeing used man-made stuff as materials that can be used for something new. So, to celebrate the spring equinox it felt like a good idea to do some work for the resource balance of earth. Plus it turned out really good and it made me happy. =)

I also had time to do some baking, and made two kinds of bread that me and hubby happily tasted last night when still all oven-warm. Yummmm….

Before bed, I sat by my altar and lit the Mother’s and Father’s candles, gave offerings and burned bay leaves. I was remarkably calm, as I had been all day, and really didn’t have much to say. So in the end I just sat there, smiling silly, and felt myself connected to Mother and Father, watching the candle flames dancing.

And so spring begins. Love and light to you all!

/Journeymaid

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