Archive for February, 2012

Pain within

I always try to view my situation from a slightly academic angle. Generally, I am pretty good at analysing my own feelings and thus understanding that “oh well, this is how it is right now but don’t worry, it will pass.”


Right now however, I can’t.

The sense of being a great big failure in all aspects of life are overwhelming.


It is so very dark and I cannot stop the tears from rolling.


There is pain within.

People call me, I dare not answer the phone. Friends post comments to me on facebook and send me emails, but I can not reply.

I don’t want anyone to see me. I curl up in a little ball, close my eyes and hold my hands over my ears, not wanting to be reminded of who I could have been and what I could have done. Failure, that’s what I am.


Oh dear, it’s getting worse. This is not a good time to be alone. The love of my life returns in two days. Please let the time pass quickly!

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During last night’s meditation I posed a question.

It started with a feeling. A need for guidance. A wish for stability. I am constantly learning, yes. But it’s all very unstructured, it’s a-little-bit-here and a-little-bit-there.

Some covens/pagan groups have a direct hierarchy that includes teachers, who in an organized fashion teach newcomers. This is something that I instinctively turn against, mainly because I often that those “teachers” may in fact be no more skilled than the pupils, and often just want to have a following of loyal subjects. (Of course I don’t think that it’s always like that, there are definitely a lot of good teachers out there as well!)

But there is great advantage of having a teacher who can tell you what to do. I am not talking about listening to lectures about spirituality, the world and how to do stuff (because all that you can learn on your own, either by reading and talking to others or by your own experiences). No, I am talking about discipline.

I often wish I had a mentor who could give me tasks.

“For a whole year, meditate daily and keep a detailed journal of any thoughts/impressions that appear during those sessions.”

“Keep a detailed dream journal. No cheating, write down EVERYTHING.”

“For a whole calendar year, spend a little time each day outside contemplating nature and the natural cycles of time.”

“Each Sunday, use the runes to foretell what you will face in the coming week. Write everything down. Look back on the week that just passed, contemplate how last week’s divination may or may not have been accurate.”


You get the point, right? So last night during the meditation I put it out there, and asked the Mother to find me a spiritual mentor. Not a physical, living person but someone from the spiritual realm.

An immediate response flooded my insides. Not sure how much came from the Mother and how much came from myself, but the message is equally true.

You don’t need such a mentor. You know what to do.

And yes, of course I know what to do. Just look at the list I just did! All of those tasks would be great, and would probably greatly benefit my inner development. No, what I lack is self discipline. I come up with so many things to do, but I never manage to keep at it. I just find something new to try.

And in that conversation with the Mother, I felt a bit like a spoiled child. I almost felt embarrassed asking for a spiritual guide to tell me what to do, cuz I don’t have enough self discipline to do it myself. And all I got for a reply was silence, which only increased my embarrassment.

Aaaha. I think I got the message. I have the knowledge to put myself to work, spiritually. I have the potential to develop a whole lot. I just need to learn self discipline. And really, that’s a major thing in my life, so many aspects of my life would be greatly improved if I could just learn self discipline.

So I am not supposed to have a mentor to crack the whip, that would be counter productive. I have to grab the whip myself. No excuses.


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I have begun to wonder about my meat consumption…

I was a vegetarian for some 8-9 years, but then when my first depression hit me hard something within me needed to reboot. Back to basics. Though I wasn’t malnourished or anything I got intense cravings for meat, and though it disgusted me I eventually gave in and became a meat-eater.

Then we began preparing for a pregnancy, and having promised not to be a vegetarian whilst pregnant I let the whole thing rest.

I still don’t feel comfortable eating meat from regular large scale meat producers. Too many animals suffer unbearable living conditions only to meet their ends panicking and in pain. *shudders*

Sometimes I have considered getting a bunch of hens, and thus getting both eggs and meat from birds that I know have been treated well. But I know myself, and I just could not kill an animal that I’ve cared for. I would get so attached, after all I love animals and to kill animals that trust me to feed and defend them? The thought makes me cringe.

But I still eat meat. Am I a hypocrite? After all, I have always thought that if you are not prepared to face the reality of slaughter, then you probably shouldn’t eat meat. Because after all, meat comes from dead animals and I don’t want to forget that.

So weirdly, all of these thoughts have made me wonder if I should learn how to hunt. It’s a strange idea, and as I told my husband what I was pondering he stared at me. Me?! Hunt?! Kill wild animals?! Could I really?!

I wouldn’t like it. I would probably cry and feel bad for every single animal I shoot. But perhaps, that’s as it should be? Were I to hunt, I would thank the animal spirits and beg their forgiveness. I would treat the animal with respect, before and after it’s death. I would be a hunter, not a killer.

There are so many people who hunt for sport. I simply cannot fathom how killing animals could ever be sport. It is completely beyond me. If I learn to hunt, it will be for food. And of course I’ll make sure the hides are taken care of as well, and other potential bi-products.

Am I going insane here with these thoughts? Or am I on the right track? Right now, this feels like the most responsible path I could take. Especially now that I am preparing to move out to the countryside where hunting is common.

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This morning my hubby went away for another week working in another part of the country. So yesterday we wanted to make the best out of our time together, and apart from eating well and watching tv we cracked open a bottle of mead. And then, another bottle. Each bottle containing a liter of very strong mead. Oh yes, we got drunk. Very drunk, indeed.

Some couples fight when they are drunk, or let slip things they would’ve wanted to keep secret, or just act generally bad. We, when drinking, talk. We talk and talk and talk. Subjects are always important and intimate, ranging from  honest discussions of sex, to plans for the future, to religion, to how to care for our future children. Those talks always leave us feeling strengthened and even closer together, and I wouldn’t wanna be without them!

Last night while under the influence of our home-brewed mead, we started to talk about spirituality. My hubby is an atheist, and a scientist by profession. Yet we hold immense respect for each other’s opinions in these matters, and realize that we don’t actually need to believe in the same things.

Last night, he explained (with quite a lot of passion in his voice) that he would have LOVED to experience what I experience, wishing he could get contacted by spirits or gods in ways that can not be explained away by his scientific mind.  He said that if he were to believe in anything, he’d be a hardcore polytheist. No way he would accept the idea of monoteism. Previously I have mostly hinted about what I actually believe in, and told him of the most general stuff. I guess I’ve wanted not to tell too much and scare him… But last night, all those walls dropped away. I told him about how I found the God and the Goddess. I told him of how I have connected to certain other deities as well, and of the rituals I’ve done.

And the result was spectacular.

Imagine my joy when he, my atheist husband, says that he would love to adorn our future home with devotional figurines and statues! He had amazing ideas of how the upper floor would be like a sanctuary, with wooden carvings and statues marking out north, east, south and west as well as the four elements. I’ve been wanting to have a statue of Frey or perhaps of Frigg, placed in the middle of the kitchen garden to celebrate fertility, but I have not actually dared to suggest it before. But now, he said he wanted wooden religious statues in the garden! You bet my jaw dropped and my eyes almost got teary!

Then we talked about sex. I told him about what I feel is the divine feminine and the divine masculine. In him I feel such a strong masculine force. And, as he himself added, there is another very strong force in play within him. Connected to the part of him that will rip apart anyone or anything threatening me.

Honestly, I think he is a berserk. For real. No, he’s not some violent idiot who goes looking for a fight.  But whenever someone has physically attacked him, he has blacked out and fought with extreme intensity. It all started when he was still a kid. Some older boy tried to beat him up, with a bunch of other boys watching and cheering.

The scrawny little boy blacked out, and when he regained any self control the attacker was beneath him on the ground with a broken arm.

To that natural fighting instinct, add 20 years of martial arts practice. Black belt, oh yes. When fighting he is scary strong and incredibly explosive.

So yes, I think he’s a natural berserk. And last night when we were chatting about deities and spiritual powers, we concluded that he’s got two main influences. The divine masculine. And that violent force of nature, that “demon” or “angel of death” as he calls it. Feeling with my spiritual tentacles and seeking out his inner connections, I saw glimpses of an unnamed deity. Masculine. Associated with both ice and fire. It’s violent and aggressive, yet is neither good nor bad. A force of nature, ancient.

I began to search for a potential match in any of the pantheons I know of, but without luck. My darling said it feels like it should come from the far east. Huh. I guess I’ll have to look to the east…

If you have any suggestions on who this deity could be, I’d appreciate to hear it! Ice and fire, violence, masculinity, wings, and morally neutral. Ring a bell?

Today, I am pretty hung over. Yet very very happy. Completely satisfied both spiritually and physically (as always after such intimate evenings, the evening ended with a session of brutally intense sex…) and longing for our future home. I’m longing for the garden. Longing for a home where I can really invite the gods and spirits. Longing for a life close to nature.

Btw… how many of you think that my husband really is a complete atheist? *smiling* I am starting to believe that he actually has the potential to believe… he just needs a no-nonsense mystical experience that can’t be explained by science… Last night he actively invited the gods to claim him and win him over, not trying to prove anything but genuinely hoping for divine intervention. I really hope that he gets it, some day.

Love and Light


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Edit: Oh gosh, I hope no one has read this post already! Since I just noticed that I forgot to say at the start that this is a dream I had tonight! Haha, that’s what you get when writing and publishing posts before breakfast. 😛

I was hosting a blót for family and friends. Having found otherwise unknown sources of how such an event was done in the Viking Age, it was all very exiting and new.

I had procured a huge and massive wooden slab on which all of the ritual stuff took place. It was uneven and I realized that the rocking of the slab, back and forth, actually held a ritual purpose.

People came, all bringing little items meant to be used in the ritual. As they entered, I instructed them to place their contributions on the wooden “altar”. (Not really an altar in the traditional sence but still, it clearly held that function!)

As I talked with the other participants I learned that my cousin and his wife were going to have a baby. (IRL I know that they too have been wanting to conceive. I gotta call them today and ask how things are going!)

Throughout the dream, I got flashes of how this ritual used to be done in the past. I saw the wooden slab being carved by the participants, making a smoother surface full of decorations (though still keeping the base uneven, since the whole thing was meant to be unstable when worked upon). I saw a very rough sexual ritual taking place on it.

And weirdly, part of the ritual was all about ironing. I had a collection of very beautiful and imaginative items that apparently had been used in the past to smooth out fabric. They looked nothing like what you would expect and were made out of all kinds of material, the most beautiful was of glass.

Now I haven’t been ironing any clothes for a couple of weeks, I haven’t talked about ironing or seem anyone else do it for ages. So this rather unexpected part of the dream ritual is probably symbolic, I’m just not sure how. Come to think of it, the wooden altar once it was carved and decorated, looked like an enormous version of one of those Viking Age items usually interpreted as a sort of ironing board.

I have never liked the interpretation of this as an ironing board. Nope, no way, I don’t buy it. Perhaps this dream was a way of telling me that the board was in fact a ritual tool?  Though I doubt one could have sex on it, unless being the size of a tiny pixie. 😛

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I had a doctor’s appointment this morning, concerning my relapse into depression. Last night while acting on a pure hunch, I cast a single rune and asked what the outcome of the doctor’s appointment would be.


This is what sunnyway.com has to say about that rune:

Uncertain meaning, a secret matter, a mystery, hidden things and occult abilities. Initiation, knowledge of one’s destiny, knowledge of future matters, determining the future or your path. Pertaining to things feminine, feminine mysteries including female fertility, and vagina. Good lot, fellowship and joy. Evolutionary change. Perthro Reversed or Merkstave: Addiction, stagnation, loneliness, malaise.

Unfortunately, I just drew the rune straight out of the bowl and looked at it, forgetting to actually cast i on the ground. So I have no idea if it was meant to be read as reversed or not. However, the two sides don’t necessarily clash. Certain words and phrases pop out at me.


…Determining the future of your path… 


Well aint that a positive message! Uuuh.. or not. And how did the doctor’s appointment go? Well, despite my expressed wishes to remain at work the doctor thought it best for me to rest for at least three weeks away from work, because as he said “otherwise you’ll probably just slip down even further and it’ll end up really bad”.  Something tells me the reverse side of Perthro was the correct one. Malaise. Mhm. Or I could be saying that just because I feel pretty blue right now and might interpret things as all dark and nasty when in fact it’s not that bad.

Perthro can also be all about feminine mysteries and the vagina? Well the doc thought the root of my depression was our childlessness, which is really tearing me apart. Yeah, that could work as an interpretation as well.

I still chose to believe that the magical effort I put in by the New Moon will help me turn things around and get better, despite all of this. So perhaps perthro only meant to say that the outcome of today’s appointment was uncertain, though it would determine the future. Yeah, I think I’ll try to believe in that particular interpretation.

Until next time!

Love and light


edit: I forgot to mention this completely freaky but awsome dream I had last night! I met an ancestor of mine who was a schaman, and both male and female at the same time. The downside was he/she got pretty upset that I had found out about her/him, and… well… sortof… raped me. Or perhaps rape is too strong of a word, since I didn’t actually fight back… I just didn’t have a choice, the schaman had complete power over me. Yeah, uh hu, hardcore…

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New Moon

I’ve just realized most pagans seem to refer to the new moon as the dark moon… it’s a pretty good description of the moon phase, I guess, but I wonder if not a whole lot of people just think “dark moon” sounds all cool and witchy… 😛 As for me, I’d rather continue calling it “new moon” because of what it means to me; the transition from the old to the new.

I went out last night hoping to see the moon but I was out of luck, despite the weather being perfectly fine. I could see a few bright stars, but not much else. Too many trees and buildings in the way, plus a whole lot of streetlights making it next to impossible to see anything up there.

Ah well, it was enough just to know the moon was there and focus my attention on it on a spiritual level. Instead of having a “proper” ritual as I had thought, in the last minute I decided to do it a bit different.

I kept moving, walked slowly and let myself fall into a light meditative state. First I turned to the Mother and Father and asked them to hear me and be by my side. Then I turned to the moon.

I whispered in all honesty. Asked to join the moon in her transition, said I wanted to leave the dark place I’ve been in for some time now and start building a new, healthy me. I cannot repeat all that I said, but I spoke constantly for 10-15 minutes, sometimes repeating a certain sentence over and over again, almost chanting.

At what felt like the high point I pulled a slice of bread from my pocket, and asked the Moon, the Mother and the Father to accept a small offering as a token of my devotion. I drew little pieces from it and threw them on the ground, which was covered in snow, hoping that each little piece would help feed one of Natures creatures and help them through the harshness of winter into spring. The last tiny piece of bread I ate myself, asking to be brought safely through the darkness and into a new era.

So simple. No casting of circles, no lighting of candles. But the impact it had on me was enormous. The small offering really hit a nerve, I could really sense a change of energy as I threw the little pieces on the ground, feeling like the boundaries between the physical and the spiritual world got reeeaally thin all the sudden. And with that last piece of bread that I swallowed myself… it felt blessed, and truly humbled me.

I woke up this morning and felt better than I have in many weeks. I went to work with a much lighter feeling. Still a bit of anxiety but not at all like it has been. It truly seems to have turned around now, started a new chapter.

I meditated a little while before bedtime as well, just very shortly. And in the meditation I started to ask questions. As I have perceived it, the one I call Mother is in fact the spirit of Earth, our planet. Gaia, some would call her. But then, do all planets have spirits? Does the sun have a spirit? I wondered if the one I call Father could in fact be the sun, but no that didn’t feel right. Then what about the moon? A little voice in the back of my head whispered Diana.

Just as I identify Mother as a feminine presence, I feel a feminine vibe from the Moon. And yes of course I know that the Moon is thought to be female in almost all cultures but I always want to see for myself as well, and check the info against any input I get directly from the spirit world! 😛

I started thing of the Moon as Mother’s little sister. Not sure what to call her, though, none of the lunar goddesses I’ve read about really feels right to me… probably I just haven’t given it enough thought. Perhaps I shall leave it at that, and call her Moon. She who is not just associated with the moon, but who IS the moon.

I hope that all of you feel as revitalized after the New Moon transition as I do! Love and Light!


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